Author: Paul R. Brian & Renée Shen
So you’re doing no contact - or you suspect he’s gone no contact on you.
If you were honest, this whole no contact period is a hard time for you emotionally, right?
That’s why I’m here: to help you adjust your emotions and feel better. I’ll do that by giving you some insights and certainty about what he’s thinking.
Through the clarity of learning about the masculine perspective, or the no contact rule male psychology, you will be able to relax a bit more and feel more in control of your life and of what happens next.
Unfortunately (and fortunately, depending on how you look at it), men can be strange creatures. To decode them you really have to look at the world through a masculine lens - which is what we’ll do today.
Every man is different, but there are some general psychological principles that apply broadly to how men think during no contact.
When you’re in no contact with a man, he tends to go through a number of stages.
He also has various shocking thoughts which many women don’t realize would even exist in his head.
Here’s everything you need to know about no contact rule male psychology.
Here’s the thing about men:
Like you, they are biologically hardwired to seek a mate. They crave feminine approval and sexual satisfaction from the right woman.
When they don’t get what they want in that department, a switch gets flipped in their mind that begins to have a major impact on their life.
For many guys, the awkward truth no guy wants to admit is that after a breakup, he expects you to come begging for a second chance.
Of course, when you’re implementing the no contact rule, he wouldn’t be hearing any begging from you, that’s for sure.
So when you don’t do that, he gets thrown for a loop.
What kind of loop?
Well, let’s dissect it. Here’s how to understand what’s going on in his mind…
When it comes to no contact rule male psychology, there’s three important things you need to remember about the masculine perspective:
As you may probably know, 30 days of no contact is not for the weak.
Many people fail at it, and that’s unfortunate because it can be such a powerful step to take for yourself and for your relationship with your ex!
For a man on the receiving end of you going no contact, it’s no walk in the park.
In fact, during no contact, a man’s world gets turned upside down.
His worst self-doubts come to the surface and he starts to second-guess what he’s done wrong and where he’s fallen short.
This leads him on a downward path, which often leads to him trying to improve himself or work harder to gain your trust and affection.
The no contact rule male psychology generally follows a similar pattern.
A guy goes through eight stages and has a number of shocking thoughts as he processes you being out of touch with him.
Ready for the 8 stages of no contact rule male psychology? Ok. Here we go...
The first thing a guy begins to notice during no contact is that you’re not getting in touch.
At first he may just feel mild annoyance, or wonder if you’re just especially busy.
He’ll do his best to dismiss his feeling of irritation and justify it, saying you’re probably just busy or processing your own emotions.
After a few days, however, his feeling of vaguely noticing you’re out of touch will begin to crystallize into a stronger emotion that he cannot ignore.
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
Regardless of who broke up with who, a guy will generally start feeling you’re just being downright rude or cruel after more than a few days of no contact.
He will usually feel emotions like uneasiness or even anger, and begin checking his phone more often to see if you’ve read his messages.
Along with the feeling that you’re being rude or inconsiderate, any lingering feelings he has for you will also begin to surface.
Subconsciously, a desire to “prove” himself to you and regain your attention will begin to take root.
Which leads us to stage three.
If he gets jealous easily, he may also start wondering if you are already seeing other men.
Even if he’s generally a chill guy, this thought will begin creeping up after a week or two.
Here’s the thing:
Guys usually don’t like to let a female go whom they have already been in a relationship with, even if they don’t want to commit to her long term.
But the short answer is that guys like to keep women around and possess them, because it gives them access to sex, approval and company.
Feminine psychology is a little different: women prefer to get rid of men who aren’t providing for them.
For a man, keeping a woman around (even if it’s in the background) serves them very well.
Can you see how this is in direct conflict with going no contact for 30 days?
So if you’re ignoring him, then something interesting will happen in this stage:
Any desire he still has for you will start burning in him sexually and psychologically.
He’ll wonder why you’re not even doing him the courtesy of texting back and start imagining that other guys hotter and smarter than him are bedding you down.
By stage four of the no contact rule, a man’s mental state is really taking a beating.
By now he’s wondering if you ever really liked him much at all.
He’s doubting his own attractiveness, the bond he had with you and he’s losing sleep at night thinking about what to message you.
Should he lead with a meme? A cute picture of his puppy? Maybe a casual “what’s up?”
Rotating all these questions in his head is agonizing. He’s likely thinking that maybe you were never even that into him!
After a month or more of using the no contact rule, male psychology is pretty much sinking into devastation.
He’s not only doubting his own worth and the bond you shared, he’s now desperate to come up with a way to get your attention.
Alternately, he may start sending angry messages or engaging in borderline stalker behavior, tempting you to respond out of annoyance.
He desperately wants your attention by now and he’s willing to do almost anything to get it, even if he tries to play it cool when you see him in person.
By now, he’s been trying to suppress a lot of feelings he’d rather not feel, but of course, they always come out in one way or another.
Sometimes your ex boyfriend will resort to trying to get your attention on social media, and sometimes it’s all done in real life.
Now imagine him talking to his friends. He's complaining, insulting you and saying you’re immature, mean-spirited and a bitch.
His friends are telling him to calm down.
They’re reminding him about the breakup and the reasons for it and telling him that he needs to accept that it’s over.
But anybody other than a very mature and self-possessed guy finds that very difficult to do when a girl goes no contact on him.
He begins craving with his whole being to hear from you again and would give almost anything for you to express some interest in him again or at least just talk to him, even if another chance isn’t in the cards.
It's like being in one of those escape rooms and trying to figure out the clues. Sure, it's fun when you're with some geeky friends, but it's not fun when you're not sure there's a way out of this!
That’s how he’s feeling by now in stage six.
Which brings us to…
High-quality men want to be providers. They are strong men who want to support their woman and take the lead.
So, no contact essentially makes him feel useless.
By now he’s sort of in a bargaining stage.
He can see that his texts and calls aren’t working, but he very much wants to still be there for you on a deeper level in some way.
Men want to feel needed. They want to feel like the big strong man who can swoop in and save you.
I know it sounds cheesy, but this is the primal instinct that men have been developing for millions of years.
When you don’t respond, this desire only grows within him.
He basically needs a way to repair some of that lost self esteem that disappeared with you doing no contact on him so seriously.
The last thing he thinks if you ignore him is that he has to do a “grand gesture” and throw a Hail Mary pass.
This is where he may show up with a bouquet of flowers, come up to you in a restaurant where you’re out on a date or show up playing music outside your apartment.
He’s hoping that something can break through the no contact and at least get your attention even if you stick to the split.
If none of this works then he will eventually give up.
But if he still has strong feelings for you and the relationship was serious, the no contact is salt in the wound.
He’s not going to forget about you for a long, long time.
The fact is that no contact rule male psychology does differ from guy to guy, even though there are some general principles that apply broadly to all men.
Each man is still an individual, so we cannot be his mind reader and give you the exact mental script he’s going through.
However, we can give you some insights into the little known thoughts most men will inevitably have in their heads during no contact, that we have learned through years of coaching.
First things first:
The stronger a man feels about you to start with, the stronger the effect that you going no contact on him will be.
If he didn’t like you much to begin with, going no contact won’t do much.
But if you had something deep that’s now over, it’s going to drive him up the wall.
What a guy thinks when you ignore him is based on how much he likes you and what his intentions were with you.
If he really liked you, and you suddenly ignore him, it's going to hurt him.
He'll think about it and obsess about getting you back, because no contact creates so much space and emptiness in his life.
Now if you want even more insights into no contact rule male psychology, here are 6 shocking thoughts he has when you go no contact on him.
The male mind during no contact is like a fuse short-circuiting. He’s buzzing, frizzing and all over the place.
He may feel that you’re ignoring him because he’s unworthy and begin replaying all the times he’s felt inadequate or unwanted.
If he has high self-esteem he will easily brush these thoughts aside. If he has low self-esteem they can really stick with him.
The fact is, ignoring someone is the fastest way to trigger any feelings of inadequacy.
You may not have that intent of course, you may just be going no contact purely to do the best thing for yourself.
But of course, if you had a good and close relationship with your ex, then almost anything you do to your ex has an affect on him on some level.
Nobody likes how they feel when someone goes no contact on them. Even if he only half-liked you, it’s going to affect him.
And even if he broke up with you, he’s going to wonder if he was too harsh and he hurt you so badly that you won’t talk to him again.
Another shocking thought many men have during no contact is that he realizes he liked you more than he thought.
This is often a result of being deprived of your attention and affection.
This feeling can come as a surprise to him, particularly if he was treating you as a plaything or sending you mixed signals while you dated.
If he was never that into you and you initiate no contact, he may have angry thoughts about you like this.
He’ll be swiping through Tinder in no time, looking for another girl to take to bed. And guess what? With any luck, he’ll probably be getting ghosted again, too.
This is a shocking thought that some guys have during no contact. The male mind during no contact is desperately searching for answers and solutions.
To men, feelings make them out of control, and since he would be having a few feelings related to you right now, he’ll be scrambling to come up with a solution.
Because that’s what men do, they solve problems.
So one way to solve it is to reduce your importance in his life.
So when you don’t contact him he may pretend not to like you by writing you off as “just the same” as other girls who he thinks are low-value.
This is a cop out on his part.
So we all know that sex is important to guys.
So even if he didn’t have strong romantic feelings for you and you were just a woman he kept around to serve his own needs, being placed on no contact can make him doubt his own sexual performance.
He may wonder if you were faking orgasms, and if the intimate times you shared together were actually quite blah for you.
So now that you know some of the crazy thoughts that go on in the male mind during no contact, there’s an important question that I want to ask you…
The key to heading in the direction here is to know what you want.
What’s your goal?
Are you punishing him and seeing how much he squirms, or do you want him back?
Be clear on your goals, because no contact only works if you have a strong motivation for doing it and have consistency in your actions.
If you’re tempted to write him back every ten minutes or very lonely in your own life, it could end up hurting you as much as it’s hurting him.
But if you’re confident about what you’re doing and have a reason for it, you could end up rekindling the spark that you used to have.
If you would indeed like to rekindle that spark, then perhaps think about whether it’s best to do no contact for 30 days in order to “reset” your connection and to give him the gift of missing you, or whether it’s best to actually be in touch with the strict and clear purpose of adding some value in his life.
Add value? How?
The simple way to add value is to build the emotional attraction and emotional connection up again.
The best way to do that is with some high value banter and texting, just to add some value in his life and create a genuine emotional connection.
High value banter is also a way to test how serious he is about connecting with you (you don’t want to keep him in your life if he’s just messing around, after all).
So go ahead and find out for yourself! Test out some high value banter by taking our free class on the dark feminine art of high value banter.
Paul R. Brian
Paul Rowan Brian is a freelance journalist, author and writer from Canada. He's written for Ideapod, Hack Spirit and Love Connection and is focused on culture, relationships and self-development. You can follow him on Twitter @paulrbrian.
Author & Editor For National Council for Research on Women. Founder of the popular women's dating & relationship advice website, The Feminine Woman.
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