Author: Martha Dugeri & Renée Shen
I know you miss your ex boyfriend. You want to barge into his apartment and apologize. At this point, you don’t even mind apologizing for things you didn’t do.
You don’t mind swallowing your pride. You just want the ache in your heart to stop. You’re ready to do whatever it takes to get him back. You didn’t know what you had until you lost it. But now that you know, well, you want him back.
I may not know exactly how you feel. But I understand the pain of being apart from someone you still want to be with.
I know how bad it hurts to think that you may never get your ex boyfriend back. And that’s why I’m here. I’m here to show you how to get your ex boyfriend back in 5 exact steps.
Let’s dive into these 5 exact steps now.
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Table of Contents
This is the first step in how to get your ex boyfriend back. Answering this question will help you determine if you should bother with the other 4 steps or not.
So why are we asking ourselves this question?
Because in the storm of emotions following a breakup, sometimes we need an alternative perspective. And we can get that by forcing ourselves to answer a valuable question:
“Why do I even want him back?”
So this is the step where you interrogate yourself. Do you want him back just because right now, the pain is too much to handle, and you feel like you don’t have support to handle it?
Do you want him back because you can’t imagine taking the time to find someone else?
Do you want to hold onto him because (shock horror), you’re seeking revenge of some sort?
Do you genuinely love him? Or like Montana Moore in Baggage Claim, you desperately want a man and your ex boyfriend is your best shot?
I want you to answer these questions as honestly as you can. Lying to yourself won’t help you get anywhere. Don’t be ashamed to admit what you feel. Own your emotions.
You could go through this step with a friend you trust. You could also choose to go through it on your own, or write the answers down in a journal.
What matters most here is that you answer the questions honestly.
These questions will help you organize your thoughts. They’ll help you streamline your thinking. They’ll also help you see things differently.
When you’ve answered the first critical question “why do I even want him back?”, then it’s time to answer some other questions to help you emotionally calibrate further.
Get clear on these things.
By the time you’re done answering these questions, you’ll feel somewhat lighter and more emotionally adjusted to the reality of how things are between you and him.
You’re a high value woman and as such, your job is to act as a high value woman.
If you’re going to be able to do that, then you need to recalibrate by answering these questions.
So my dear, now let’s talk more about the next step in getting back this ex boyfriend of yours.
The next step in the how to get your ex boyfriend back process is for you to give him space.
I see the irony here. I know you’re thinking “how do I stay away from someone I can’t stop thinking about?” This is the main reason why you should stay away.
You need a clear head. You need him to not be the center of your thoughts.
This period of “giving space” is similar to the well known, forever recycled advice on getting your ex back: go no contact.
Why should you go no contact? 2 reasons:
Keep yourself to yourself - for now.
Stay away from the places he frequents. Don’t send him texts. Cut off every form of communication with him. I know you hope to bump into him but try as much as possible to avoid this.
Distract yourself with art or pilates class. Talk to your friends. Spend time with family.
Temporarily banish the existence of your ex boyfriend from your mind, so that you can give yourself the gift of adjusting yourself and grieving.
Most people recommend an across-the-board rule of 30 days of no contact.
But the truth is that not every breakup is the same. We’re all unique, as are our circumstances.
But we have to remember that in order for the no contact period or the “stay away from him” period to be truly effective in inspiring him to think about you more and want you more, you need to go no contact for enough time to make it uncomfortable for him (and for you).
Some experts say that this needs to be a minimum of 21 days.
14 days is (arguably) also quite a while to not be in touch with your ex, but remember - we have a plan here.
We’re looking to give you ample space to process and give him ample space to feel like he has the breakup that he wants.
So, a minimum of 21 days.
If you are an anxious person, or have an anxious attachment style, this whole idea of no contact is going to be very hard for you, and you'll need extra support in order to accomplish it.
Not sure whether you have an anxious attachment style?
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
The focus now is on re-building your value. Why? Because even if he never comes back, or even if you think you want him back now but change your mind later…it’s your value to men that matters in attracting the relationship you want.
Also: even if your ex wants you back, you want him to want you back because he sees and appreciates your value, and not because you’re convenient.
High value women have men flock to them. The plan is not to beg for your ex boyfriend, the plan is to give him actual reasons to want you back.
Reasons that he can’t refuse.
So, don’t even think about showing up at his house crying (perish that thought). Don’t spam him with long messages. Don’t bother him with calls.
Give yourself some respect. Don’t give him reasons to justify the break up.
Don’t be the crazy ex-girlfriend. No guy wants a desperate girl with no self-respect.
Don’t let the hurt you feel and your emotions blind you. Use step 2 (the no contact period) to get to a place where you can feel rational and reasonable.
You can be as dramatic as you want when you finally get him back.
But for now, keep your dramatic emotions to yourself, your friends and family, your therapist, or your pet. Stay calm, stay sane and build on your intrinsic value as a woman.
Let’s face it:
Even if you plan to get your ex boyfriend back, you cannot put off accepting the breakup.
There’s no point sitting in denial for too long, even if it’s ok to sit in denial initially, because this is a normal part of grieving.
So, has it dawned on you that you’re single again? Have you felt sad about the fact that you have nobody to rant about your day to?
If your answer to these questions is yes, then the break up is beginning to hit you.
How should you respond? Respond by dealing with it. Reflect on what the relationship was like and what it meant to you. Reflect on what caused the break up.
Don’t try to shove your feelings away in the dusty closet. Express them. Talk to someone. Cry.
Sit through a sitcom with popcorn and kleenex by your side. Feel the hurt and the pain.
Express them unashamedly. Refusing to feel your emotions is what gives him unnecessary power over you.
When you express them, intense as they might be, you slowly lose the desire to act in desperate ways.
The how to get your ex boyfriend back process becomes easier too.
Only take this step when:
Because if you’ve successfully managed to stay away from him and go no contact, and if you’ve accepted and grieved the breakup, yet you STILL want him back, then, well…
You really, really want him back. Enough to make the effort getting him back worthwhile. So let’s take the second last step!
The second last step in how to get your ex boyfriend back is to shoot your shot.
How do you shoot your shot?
At this point, you don’t have to completely stay away from him anymore. Your task now is to show up ONCE to test the waters.
And when you ‘show up’, you shoot your shot by showing up with the value you’ve built within yourself in step 3.
Let him see you thriving, and let him fall in love with you again.
Recommended: The Two Traits Of Women That Men Routinely Fall In Love With.
So why let him see you?
Because you’ve already done the work of adjusting your emotions and accepting the breakup.
(And I hope you took that step seriously, and felt your emotions until they were done).
The rawness and the desperation that you initially felt has now been replaced with well replenished intrinsic value.
You’ve dealt with the break up. You’ve learned from it. You’re actively working on what matters in your own life. Feel very free to subtly shoot your shot.
The keyword here is subtly. Don’t be in his face. Just pop in once, whether that be online or in the areas he frequents.
Once you’ve ‘met’ or ‘run into’ your ex in person for the first time since the breakup, you must proceed to adjust the number of times you “show up” in his life thereafter according to how he reacts the first time he sees you.
So do not let him know directly that you need him back or want him back.
Don’t even raise his suspicions.
Just show your happy, well adjusted and carefree face and let him wonder about you.
Let him see you looking and acting differently. Let him fantasize about what it’d be like to be with this new you.
If you have completed step 5, and you feel like he was receptive to this ‘new you’, then, give him a taste of this new you.
If you hurt him, let him know that you are sorry for the hurt you caused him.
It’s ok to reach out and apologize to him if you were in the wrong.
Best believe, you’d be getting a “would you like to hang out sometime?”
After the apology has been accepted. He might add “as friends” but don’t worry about that. He’s going to want a piece of this high value woman soon enough.
Conversely, if the breakup was his fault, or if he hurt you badly but you still see sense in wanting him back, then you can simply smile and ask him how he’s been.
Genuinely get to know him and where he is at now. Treat him as he is now, and feel for who he is.
Hey, you also might decide that since now you’ve become much more internally resourceful as a woman, that you no longer need him back.
That you can’t keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept is not a clichè. It’s real talk.
Try to remember that no matter how much you want him back, your chances of getting your ex boyfriend back are hinged on whether he wants you back or not.
After all, you can’t get back a man that doesn’t want to be gotten back.
The key considerations in how to get your boyfriend back are:
Please make sure that you consider these questions, and carefully think about whether he wants you back.
Because unless you hate yourself or enjoy suffering, why would you want someone back who doesn’t want you back?
On the bright side:
People get their exes back every day. If he invested in you previously and there’s a decent amount of good history between you two, then there’s a possibility you can get him back.
So if you’re convinced that your ex boyfriend does want you back, then intentionally follow the aforementioned steps and get ready to have him back in your arms.
You can get your ex boyfriend back fast by choosing a non-dramatic method. Give him a reason to want you back. Don’t go with the common “show up with teary eyes and his favorite song” move.
Yes, Danica in Tyler Perry’s Nobody’s Fool got away with it. But heyyy, this is real life not a fictitious movie.
Be more strategic and less dramatic. Being dramatic is mostly just hoping and wishing. Being strategic includes thoughts and intentional actions. Plus, it works better.
You can make your ex want you back by transforming. Go from the woman he broke up with to the high value woman he can’t stop thinking about.
You can do this by enriching yourself and your life. Also take responsibility for your actions.
Don’t act like the break up shattered your world. Act like it made it even better. Step up your glow game.
Let the lessons you learned from the break up boost your confidence. Smile more and laugh heartily. He’d want you back when he sees that you’re better now than when he left you.
It’s usually better for your actions to do the talking. But if you must say something, don’t you dare say you miss him.
Until you’re sure he’s ready to take you back, don’t admit to any feelings. Say things like:
“The weather is so beautiful today, I could stare at the sky all day”.
Say things that express your momentary joy; things that won’t betray your plan. Let your actions say the things that matter.
You know your ex will come back to you if he still reaches out to you. Or if he responds well to you when you do the same.
An ex that doesn’t want to have anything to do with you won’t bother letting you see their face, and they won’t bother communicating with you.
You can also tell that your ex will come back to you if he shows up at the places you frequent. If he’s not hiding the fact that he still cares about you, then he’s coming right back to you.
That depends on the reasons for the breakup, how much emotional attraction and emotional connection existed between you both, as well as how much value you showed up with in your relationship with him.
If you showed up with a lot of value, and if you guys genuinely fell in love when you met, then there’s a very good chance that he will come back.
However, if he cuts you off completely after the break up, then he’s most likely not coming back.
Although this could also mean that he needs space. You know they say “you never know until you try”. You can certainly try to get him back using the 6 steps above and see if he’ll come back or not.
Now over to you. Have you had a painful breakup? Tell us your story and ask any question in the comments below!
Martha Dugeri is a medical student, part-time freelance data analyst and Creative Writer. She is currently studying to be a doctor at the University of Uyo, Nigeria.
Author For National Council for Research on Women
Editor & Author For National Council for Research on Women. Founder of the popular women's dating and relationship advice website, The Feminine Woman.
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