Author: Martha Dugeri
When you’re in a relationship with a guy, being patient and making a conscious effort to understand him usually works better than jumping to conclusions about his intent.
However, in some cases, it pays to take a different approach to being patient or waiting around for him. The truth is, it can actually pay off to actively look for the signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
A good example of when to jump to conclusions about his intent is when you’re already going the whole nine yards with a guy and he’s still keeping you in the “I really like you but I’m not ready for a relationship” basket.
In a situation like this, walking away or putting a higher price on your time is your best bet.
Especially if you’ve been in this situation for a long time and the guy’s reluctance to get into a relationship with you is just as strong as when you first began to notice it.
Below are 8 concrete signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
If you can relate to them then you need to stop waiting and start moving because he (clearly) doesn’t want a relationship with you. He’s just stringing you along till he finds whatever he’s looking for.
One of the most obvious signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you is confusion.
He gives you so many mixed signals that you begin to wonder if you’re going crazy or he’s playing you.
One minute he’s giving Romeo a run for his money and treating you like the queen (that you are), the next minute, he’s acting like you’re a stain he’s trying to wipe off his shirt.
If he regularly gives you reason to doubt his feelings for you and makes no effort to reassure you or alleviate your fears when you mention it, start packing your bags. He doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Besides stringing you along with excuses and half hearted efforts, another one of the signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you is him making you feel like you’re asking for too much by wanting any further commitment from him.
He calls you impatient and clingy. He complains about how you don’t understand him and his plans for the both of you (mostly for him anyway).
He’s made you feel so bad for wanting to officially be in a relationship with him that you’re starting to believe his “relationships are overrated” theory.
But if there’s anything overrated amongst everything I’ve mentioned so far, it’s him and you really should consider whether he’s truly worth your time.
He’s given you so many excuses that you can now predict what the next one will be.
“Hey babe, something came up.”
“Oh! My God. I forgot. Sorry babe.”
“Hey babe, I’m so sorry but the boys planned…” Now, you’re worried about “the boys”. Maybe “the boys” is another girl.
Every time you express to him about a problem and he promises to help, he doesn’t only fail to fulfil his promise, he forgets his promise entirely, and guess what?
He’s not even sorry about it.
So you get angry and sulk, but he says you’re overreacting and promises to make it up to you but he disappoints you again, as usual.
The tendency to disappoint is not exactly what you have a problem with because you’re understanding to a fault.
But the nonchalance and the absence of remorse that follows the disappointment is what makes you wonder if everyone’s right and you’re wasting your time with him.
Just to be clear, I’m with everyone else in your life. Unreliability is one of the concrete (unshakable) signs that he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Another one of the signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you is that his reasons for not wanting a relationship with you seem real and final.
Put another way, he’s serious when he makes statements about not actually wanting to be in a relationship.
He may give reasons like:
“I have to be a better person before I can be with you”.
(Liesssss) If he can’t do right by you now then he’s already a bad option for you.
“I have to get my finances in order so I can buy you all you want”.
…All these statements aren’t true in your mind, but you can feel that they are unequivocally true in his mind, which is what matters here.
I know that when you are attached to a guy, you want to believe these reasons, because on the surface, they sound kind of true.
They may even seem genuine to you because you know how ambitious he is, yet you also know that his finances are already in order.
You know you can afford whatever he has in mind to offer you or buy for you anyway, but he doesn’t even let you finish when you start telling him that.
And here’s one I love from guys:
“You deserve better”.
I have to agree with him on this one. You do deserve better.
You deserve someone who is sure that he wants to be with you and is not ashamed to show you how grateful he is to have you.
When a guy really wants a serious relationship with you, you’d see it because he’d put effort into making it work and not cook up silly excuses that make you cringe internally.
There’s the stuff that makes you feel a little disappointed, but that you can still let go of.
Such as: you thinking that by stepping up your style game, he will finally get him to notice you and make the relationship official, but he doesn’t even notice your new hair.
You even bought cute short dresses because the girl he stared at the entire time you were with him at the coffee shop was wearing a cute short dress.
He doesn’t know you’ve stayed faithful to your current shampoo because he complimented it once.
He doesn’t even recognize your phone case.
As if it’s not enough that he forgot to pick you up at work when your car broke down, he still put up an attitude when he saw you hug your male colleague that gave you a ride.
And of course, he forgot your birthday. The best he could do to make it up to you when you called him out was make a lousy attempt to seduce you.
Since the both of you aren’t officially a thing, you try so hard not to overreact that sometimes you don’t even react at all.
But it just so happens that every time he disappears is when something eventful happens to you and you need him to be there for you.
Unfortunately, he never is.
He breezes out of your life and breezes back like a foul smell with no single ounce of remorse or even a half hearted apology. He doesn’t even try.
Most times you even have to reach out first to make sure everything is fine and everything is usually fine.
He’s given you so many flimsy excuses for disappearing that you don’t even bother to ask anymore. You just assume he’s half human, half fairy so every time he disappears, he’s in fact attending to his fairy duties.
You’ve observed and you’ve concluded that he only speaks to you when it’s convenient for him. He never goes out of his way to see or talk to you and when you call him out on it, he says:
“But babe, we spoke just five days ago”.
It’s not rocket science, this is one of the signs he doesn’t want a relationship with you that you mustn’t ignore, because when a guy really loves and wants to be with you, you will know it.
He says “I love you babe” but his actions say “I don’t care about you”.
It’s hard for you to believe his actions over his words because you think if he’s saying it then it has to count for something – but actions do speak louder than words.
As D.Shen says,
“Words are cheap, very cheap. How easy is it for a man to say something he doesn’t truly mean?
As human beings, we all rely on our words to communicate, yet it only counts as 8% of all forms of communication. (ie… rest is tonality and body language.)”
So, it’s okay to disregard words that are not backed up by actions.
Okay, look at it this way: his words is the measly efforts he’s making to keep you around but his actions betray his intentions.
The contradiction between his words and actions have plagued you so much that you keep having to weigh his words against his actions, and they never match. The latter falls short every single time.
This is another one of the concrete signs that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. Kindly excuse yourself from the sinking ship.
Another one of the obvious signs that he doesn’t want a relationship with you is that he’s as lackadaisical as a vegetable. (I’m not exactly sure if a vegetable is lackadaisical but you get my point, yeah?)
If you don’t suggest the movie night or date night, nothing happens.
He’s content to have you in his living room stewing in anger while he, completely oblivious to your frustration, gives his total attention to the TV.
It’s so bad that even when you initiate and go through the whole stress of planning and organizing, he responds with zero appreciation and literally no enthusiasm whatsoever.
So he’s there with you at the fancy restaurant on a date and he’s still not seeing you. It’s like he’s both there and not there at the same time.
It’s certainly not going to be easy to walk away from someone you’ve envisioned a future and a relationship (I think situationship is the right word) you’ve invested in.
But if the signs are there, the best thing is for you to leave. These signs have a way of turning into toxic elements that choke you later on.
So, instead of waiting for some guy to see how lucky he is to have you or how much you love him, hold your shoulders high and move on to greater and better things. You deserve better than a reluctant lover.
Martha Dugeri is a medical student, part-time freelance data analyst and Creative Writer. She is currently studying to be a doctor at the University of Uyo, Nigeria.
Writer For National Council for Research On Women
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