Author: Martha Dugeri
Will I ever find love again is a question you’ve most likely asked yourself more times than you can remember.
Especially if you’ve been single for more than a year (or less than. It depends on how relationship oriented you are).
I know the problem isn’t exactly the question. It’s your lack of answer to the question. It’s the uncertainty that plagues your mind every time you think about the question.
There’s also the flashbacks from your past relationships…
The happy memories (that involve movie nights, hugs and food), the unhappy ones and the angry ones (the times you wished you had the power to turn your ex into an oyster).
The regrets and the things you did that seemed like love at the time (but now they make you cringe).
These and many more are the reasons why you don’t like to ask yourself the question: will I ever find love again?
In fact, you’ve pushed it to the farthest part of your mind because you’re tired of the pressure it puts on you.
However, I’m here to change this by giving you an answer, and sharing five mistakes you should avoid if you really want to find love again.
I’m also here to tell you that the universe is a hopeless romantic and she’s rooting for you.
All you have to do is take note of and avoid these 5 mistakes. Then you’ll see that love is not that hard to find afterall.
When you’ve been alone for a long time, you get defensive and protective of your personal space (yeah, being single is quite addictive).
You get used to doing everything by and for yourself that letting someone else into the picture becomes too much of a hassle.
You’ve settled into a stable routine of having your life centred around yourself.
You’re also not ready for the change that’d come with allowing someone to get that close to you.
So you protect your personal space by pushing people away and giving yourself and whoever asks (e.g: concerned aunts) a million reasons why every man you’ve dated is not right for you.
You swear that you’re fine by yourself but deep down, you want someone to cuddle at night. You want the morning texts and the other cute stuff that comes with being in love.
You want to be called “baby”. You want to feel those butterflies and see sparks fly again but you never admit it to anyone.
To the world, you’re the independent single person everyone should aspire to be because you’re happy.
But in reality, you want love as much as the next single person.
So let me assure you that the answer to your question: will I ever find love again? Is a resounding yes.
Indeed, you’ll find love again but not if you keep going this way. You need to avoid being defensive and self absorbed. You should also learn to open your heart so you can see the love when you eventually find it.
Defensiveness and overprotectiveness of your selfish life may be the thing that trips you up along the way.
If you understand the importance of letting go of your protectiveness over your independence and single life, you will find love again. Because you’ll be making more room for a man to come into your life (and to feel useful in your life).
When a man feels useful, he's more likely to feel emotionally attracted to you.
Unfortunately, there are a good number of people who would rather be with a low value or nasty person than be single.
These people have unbelievable levels of desperation. What they’re willing to endure in the name of “love” is shocking.
It’s also funny because you would think desperation will help you find love without stress since you’re actively looking but opposite is the case.
The gentleness of love cannot stand the forcefulness of desperation.
So, as long as you’re desperate, you’ll always be one step away from finding love.
Someone who genuinely loves you will most likely be uncomfortable and scared off by your desperation.
So if you’ve ever asked yourself will I ever find love again?, the answer is yes. Yes, you’ll find love again but not with all that desperation.
Desperation will send signals of low value out to men as well. There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?
(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.)
So always remember that on your journey to find love, the plan is for you to find someone and not just anyone. I mean, why desperately settle for anyone when you can find your real someone - a soul mate?
There’s a bar. Raise it up. Refuse to desperately settle for less and let love catch you just when you’re not looking.
Maybe you’re one of the people that don’t exactly want a partner, but rather, you want a human god that can be everything and do everything for you (or maybe a genie with unlimited wishes).
You need to first understand that nobody is perfect and love requires effort from both parties.
If you want to leave the will I ever find love again party for the will I ever stop loving this human party, you need to be realistic with your expectations.
If you have a list, then go through the items on your list and answer these questions for yourself, too…
Because if you can’t, then you run the risk of chasing whoever it is away with your high expectations and sense of entitlement.
You have to shift your mindset from:
“I want this and I want that.” to…
“I can offer this and I can offer that.”
“It’s easy to find love when you carry the right mindsets, and it’s hard to find love when you carry the wrong mindsets.”
Hence, if you’re really serious about finding love again, avoid asking for too much. You can't really ask much of another person unless and until there's some feelings of emotional attraction and emotional connection between you guys.
Especially when you don’t know the person that well yet, and especially when you can’t be sure that there’s enough trust built in the relationship yet.
Don’t be that person that goes into every relationship with a hammer and some nails to fix the other person, instead understand that you inspire the other person to become better by first loving and accepting them for who they are.
This will inspire more connection and trust.
Of course, when someone loves you, they’ll do things they normally wouldn’t do in order to make you happy - but that's not for you to dictate.
You have no business changing anybody. Your business is to be honest with yourself, as well as do what you can to inspire emotional connection and emotional attraction in men.
(When you keep reasonable and realistic expectations, you may find that love will waltz right to you).
CLICK here to discover why you as a woman need to use the dark art of “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the "BEST of MEN"! (...Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you've encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
Maybe your problem is not finding love. Maybe your problem is keeping love.
Maybe you actually found love with the last person you got involved with but you couldn’t help punishing them for the sins of your ex.
Holding onto past hurt and pain will not only make you miserable, it will frustrate people who dare to get close to you.
You won’t find love again if you keep holding onto past hurt and pain because these things will cloud your eyes.
You’d be too busy stewing in them to see the effort potential lovers are making to get your attention.
You must understand that you have no control over how people treat you. You can’t stop people from hurting you but you can stop yourself from dwelling on it.
Yes, you’re hurt but what are you going to do? Remain hurt or work on healing?
The fact that it didn’t work with one person doesn’t mean it won’t work with the next person.
There are about 8 billion people in the world but you’ve chosen to dwell in perpetual misery because one person hurt you. Aw come on.
For every person that hurt you, there’s a million people that’d do whatever it takes to make you happy (I don’t know these people but I know they exist so just trust me).
You should forgive because there’s a kind of peace that comes with forgiveness and you deserve that peace. So work on yourself, heal from your past hurts and watch love jump at you from the most random place.
It’s quite hard to find something you don’t believe in, don’t you think? Yet we often wonder if we’ll ever find love again?
As humans, we can unintentionally sabotage ourselves, especially when you’re becoming angry or losing hope that you’ll ever find love again.
So you think or say things like:
“True love doesn’t exist” or
“Love is a sham”.
If you believe these things, what then are you looking for?
If you don’t believe them, why are you saying them?
The truth is that pessimism is domineering. It never stays hidden.
Once you give room for it in your mind, it literally oozes out of you and love can smell it, so it runs further from you.
If you’re serious about finding love, you need to be intentional about not being a pessimist.
Believe that you’d find love. Tell yourself you deserve love. Prepare for love and always hope for the best regardless of the situation.
So what if everyone in your circle is married and you’re not even in a relationship?
Don’t worry. Your time will come. You will find love again.
You broke things off with someone you’ve been with for a long time and you’re not sure if there’s someone else for you?
Don’t worry. You will find love again, because if you’ve found it once, you can find it again.
You’ve become an object of discussion in your family because your love life has been nonexistent for years. Don’t worry. You will find love again.
You’ve tried dating sites and blind dates but you keep meeting people that make you wonder if there’s really someone out there for you. Don’t worry. You will find love again.
As you heal from past hurts, believe in the best. Have faith that the best thing will happen and watch the best (in the form of love) fall on you like rain.
I don’t think there’s anybody that enjoys waiting.
I mean, waiting for food is torture. Waiting for a promotion at work is not pretty but waiting for love? That’s a combination of torture and not pretty with a sprinkle of sad and lonely.
I know you get lonely and you’re reminded of your loneliness everytime you go on the internet.
If it’s not a couple video on tiktok poking your single heart, it’s a picture or most likely pictures of couples in matching clothes and whatever other cheesy stuff they do.
(It’s cheesy alright but you want it too).
You want your own person too. You want someone you can be cheesy with.
You’ve gone past the “thank God I’m free” stage of being single.
Now, you’re at the “will I ever find love again” stage. The stage where you go from one bad date to another. The stage where you’ve had enough of dating apps and “oh! Check this one out” from your friends.
So if you’ve truly had enough, focus on building emotional connections with each man you meet and are interested in, because connection is the place where love can flourish.
You will find love again because you’re amazing and you deserve love.
You just need to also make it easy for love to find you by avoiding the 5 mistakes listed above.
Make sure that you’re not making any of the 5 mistakes above, and get ready to love and be loved - regardless of what your past relationships and current situation says.
When you avoid making the 5 mistakes, you won’t even have to worry about finding love anymore. Instead, you can let love do the finding.
Martha Dugeri is a medical student, part-time freelance data analyst and Creative Writer. She is currently studying to be a doctor at the University of Uyo, Nigeria.
Author For National Council for Research on Women
© Copyright National Council for Research on Women. All Rights Reserved