Author: Varsha Asrani & Renée Shen
You felt an immediate connection with him during sex, but he seemed too distant after that. If it’s not your first experience, you know it is pretty common.
Almost every man instinctively distances themselves post the act. Which makes one wonder, why do guys distance themselves after intimacy?
I believe that women are blessed with innate senses. When something is wrong in a relationship, these intuitive feelings push us to find answers. Sometimes our intuitions are correct, and sometimes it just drives us crazy into overthinking.
There’s no one to blame here – I mean, that’s how God built us!
Coming back to the point – why are men like that? Is it post-coital dysphoria or just the refractory period?
Is he afraid of getting attached to you because he doesn’t believe you are the “one” for him? Did you do something wrong during sex? Or maybe he just wanted a casual encounter and is not just looking for anything more than sex?
“Passion is the quickest to develop, and the quickest to fade. Intimacy develops more slowly, and commitment more gradually still.” - Robert Sternberg
Table of Contents
One thing is for sure:
Guys aren’t like us when it comes to sex. They also don’t voice their feelings and thoughts much at all. This makes the reasons much more mysterious than you originally thought.
Men change after sex because:
Did you know that there’s actually ONE specific emotional trigger in every masculine man that makes him want to deeply commit to you and worship you for life? Would you like to discover what that one trigger is?
Now, what are the 6 mysterious reasons guys distance themselves after intimacy? Let’s find out right now.
Is there such a thing?
Sadly, PCD or post-coital dysphoria is not a medical mumbo jumbo that I created just now. It is a real medical condition that many men and women suffer from. Some even refer to this as “post-sex blues.”
Basically, a person suffering from PCD feels sad, anxious, depressed, or irritable post-coitus (i.e., after sex). Even when the sex is consensual, they may go through such emotional turmoil afterwards.
Although a comprehensive study is needed in this domain to draw any hard conclusions, some doctors explain that PCD can result from past abuse, postnatal depression, or can also be a sign of mental disorder.
What do I mean? Is he nuts?
Well, I wouldn’t really go that far because human hormones can be funny, and all that matters is that it wasn’t your fault.
If the person you had sex with is really suffering from PCD, nothing you could have done would have altered his behavior post intimacy.
So, stop overthinking it!
Oh, c’mon! Now, what on earth is that?
Well, I did say the reasons could be more mysterious than you think, didn’t I?
Unlike us, males cannot go for round two or three immediately after ejaculation.
They need time to regain the same level of excitement. The refractory period refers to the time between the orgasm and getting sexually aroused again.
So, it’s neither his fault nor yours if he seemed a little distant after the passionate lovemaking session.
Men lose a slight interest after sex because that’s how God built them. But that’s just temporary, and when they are refuelled (metaphorically, of course), you will find them running behind you for intimacy (I mean, if you really developed an emotional connection).
“Real connection and intimacy is like a meal, not a sugar fix.” - Kristin Armstrong
This is one of the more uncomfortable answers to the question 'why do guys distance themselves after intimacy?'
Some men prefer to take their time in a relationship. Even after sex, they need space.
To you, the sex was great, and you already spent the entire afternoon daydreaming about it.
Your sixth sense also indicated that he might be “the one”, and your mind started juggling up stories about your future romantic life together.
But did you also proceed to constantly remind him of how great the sex was, or did you already start a discussion about how you now feel like you are soulmates after having sex?
If you did, then, believe me, you scared him! To him, sex with you might just be a one-time thing, and his aloof behavior shows that he does not like you getting too attached afterward.
If you attached to him early, don’t worry - it’s not just you. The vast majority of women naturally attach early. The key is to be aware of it, and also learn to use it to your advantage.
Renée from The Feminine Woman refers to this as your “feminine bias for early attachment”. Would you like to learn how to use this feminine bias to your advantage?
Let me be very direct here and say that he got what he wanted. To him, you were like a prized trophy, and the rush of the initial chase is now gone after the sex.
It’s like setting a goal and then achieving it, and after that, your rush to chase after the same goal has already been depleted the first time around.
All the times he spent impressing you and chasing you were his efforts to win you, and the fact that he got into your pants satiated his lust for you.
It doesn’t necessarily mean that he does not like you. It means that his initial phase of winning you over is complete, and the depth of your feelings would determine if he really wants to take things further with you.
If he keeps acting aloof for too long, then he was probably never looking for anything more than sex.
If you are not familiar with attachment styles in relationships, it’s not too hard to understand.
There are 4 types of attachment styles and 3 out of the 4 fall under the umbrella of insecure attachment.
The insecure attachment style that is of interest to us here specifically, is the avoidant attachment style.
If you think this may be your partner, it may help to catch the 8 Signs An Avoidant Loves You + How To Inspire More Of It.
If your man has an avoidant attachment style, then any emotion or too much closeness can overwhelm him and make him pull away.
This is not because of you, but rather, because people with an avoidant attachment style were neglected in infancy and throughout their childhood.
Avoidant attachment style is typical among people who didn’t receive adequate nurturing.
This lack of responsive nurturing forces them to:
So a guy with avoidant attachment style might still be very good at having sex with you, but when it comes to intimacy, he falls short - or is entirely absent.
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
You heard that right. This actually happens with men who feel they are unworthy of you. Even though he likes you, he will keep finding reasons to move further away from you to feed his inferiority complex. (See: 15 Reasons Why Guys Act Distant When They Like You.)
He either felt that he did not perform well enough in bed to satisfy you, or he thought that you were too good for him and he couldn’t possibly keep you.
He is probably worried sick that he was with someone who is so out of his league. That’s the reason why some men tend to distance themselves after intimacy.
However, if you really had a good time with him, you can consider telling him explicitly that you had a great time, and it will help him gain confidence.
Also don’t forget to consider that if he doesn’t feel worthy enough of you, this may very well mean that he could never truly ‘provide’ for you, no matter how much you wish he would.
Consider how good of a girlfriend you’d feel if you grew an enormous pimple the size of an apple on your nose that would never go away.
Would it bring you down a little bit? And in the process, wouldn’t you be too preoccupied with feeling ‘not enough’ to be a good girlfriend?
A lack of self worth or self esteem can be crippling like that. Even if it’s not a pimple the size of an apple, low self esteem is an overall downer.
So if a man has low self esteem, he will resist coming too close because he feels as though he has to provide way more to keep you happy than he feels capable of providing.
But what if you still like him and want to develop a relationship with him? The thing you need to do here is to build emotional attraction and emotional connection, because these are the two things that will remove his defences and inspire him to feel closer to you and commit more.
What the best way to build these two things? The best way is by using high value banter.
CLICK here to discover why you as a woman need to use the dark art of “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men and create emotional attraction with the "BEST of MEN"! (...Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you've encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
Now for some interesting questions on this topic...
Numerous factors may cause them to act weirdly. Maybe it was his first time, or maybe he is still trying to figure out how he feels or how you felt after hooking up.
While for some men, it is a way to signal that it was just a one-time thing. Also, some guys just use weird behavior as a mechanism to hide their true feelings.
Lastly, it’s also possible that if you guys did have great sex, then he’s acting weird because of hormones.
What do I mean? I mean that when you and your guy had sex, oxytocin levels increased in his body. However, when these oxytocin levels increase, they also cause his testosterone levels to decrease.
This decrease causes him to distance himself as a way of getting back to himself. It’s like re-building what was lost and re-establishing his equilibrium. Make sense?
Some guys like to check if you have reciprocal feelings for them, so they act distant to see if you initiate the next move.
While some men are too shy to get close, they choose to remain distant and admire you secretly.
And then there is a category of men who are simply too afraid of being shot down with rejection from you, and so they never come close.
Sex actually alters the brains in implausible ways by releasing a cocktail of hormones that makes men behave differently. Why it happens is still not clear, but the fact is that these hormones generate different responses in everybody.
Some people may become more attached and show more affection, while others may respond negatively by acting distant.
From the less “sciency” perspective, the answer is because guys don’t want to invest deeper in the relationship with you.
They change because it makes sense in their own heads to do so. If they were to not change and come closer to you, then they’d have to do things that they don’t want to do - like be at the mercy of your requests and perhaps also commit to you (which they may not be ready for).
By now, you must have comprehended why guys distance themselves after intimacy.
Finally, whether you guys become an item or not comes down to whether he’s falling in love or not. Most guys will not bother committing to a woman deeply if he is not falling for her emotionally.
So here’s some advice on how to proceed. If you want to wait for him to come to you, that’s fine.
On the other hand, if you want to reach out to him, you can also do that, but you want to do it in a high value way.
You don’t want to come across as needy, because that’s what almost every other woman does after sex (and he’ll expect this, which is also one reason why he acts weird after hooking up, because he’s expecting you to act needy).
So instead, I recommend you use the art of high value banter. It’s a low risk and high value way to ‘test’ out where he’s at and to build emotional attraction.
CLICK here to discover how online dating has completely changed and why you as a woman need to use “High Value Banter” in order to quickly weed out the wrong types of men online and create emotional attraction with the "BEST of MEN"! (...Even if no man has ever given you any love and all you've encountered so far are pen pals, ghosts, booty calls, and incredible duds!)
We hope this answered all your questions on why do guys distance themselves after intimacy. If you have any unanswered questions, simply type a comment below and we will answer your question!
Finally, although I would not advise that you jump into bed with a man before you feel emotionally ready for such a commitment, at the same time, being intimate allows you as a woman to gain clarity about whether the guy is worth all the trouble.
Varsha is a writer and mother of a beautiful son. She has a dual Master’s degree in Business Management (Finance & Marketing) and Career Counselling certification. Her passion for learning led her to the teaching domain, where she shares the knowledge she gained over the years through education and personal life. She teaches students of ATMC College Melbourne (as a Management Faculty).
Author For National Council for Research on Women
Editor & Author For National Council for Research on Women. Founder of the popular women's dating and relationship advice website, The Feminine Woman.
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