Author: Varsha Asrani & Renée Shen
So, it’s been a while since your romantic relationship ended, but you still miss him, and it’s confusing you. You start contemplating finding the answer to the painful question, “why do I miss my ex so much?”
Personally, I believe that love is like a powerful drug that keeps you hooked on your loved one. It becomes hard to let go.
You tend to linger in the past and miss your ex even though you realize that it’s not healthy, and you should move on with your life.
You miss those special moments spent together!
Your precious beautiful memories keep you hooked to him, making you miss him a lot. Some may even try to mend the relationship just to experience the same love once again.
Why does this happen?
You ended your relationship, which could have been on good or bad terms. Regardless, the fact remains that the breakup happened, and it happened for a reason.
Otherwise, you guys should have still been together. Something unacceptable and unfixable happened that concluded your relationship.
The healthiest thing to do would be to move on with your life and let go of the past.
I realize how daunting it must sound to you as I write this. Letting go of someone so dear to you once is really not an easy thing to do!
You don’t want to do it, but you know that it is the right thing to do inside your heart.
I know it would not be easy, but you need to find a way to move on whilst still respecting the good times you had together.
So, let’s start by discovering why you miss your ex so much, and then peruse the tips we give to help you move on.
Most women have a mental image of their special someone even before they have actually met him.
If your man was the perfect definition of your soulmate, then you may fear that your breakup was a great loss to you.
You wanted to spend your life with someone like him, and now he is no longer part of your romance story.
The fact that you miss him so much now shows that you regret that your relationship had to end.
But just know this: despite the fact that he matched your idea of a perfect partner, ideals are never the same as what works in real life.
You need to divorce the ideal of the perfect guy in your mind from the concept of a perfect ending.
Because sometimes, the guy that could give you the perfect ending doesn’t fit the ideal of the perfect guy in your head.
Still wondering, “why do I miss my ex so much?”
It might be because you perceive that no one could ever make you feel so special as he did.
The surprise gifts, everyday kisses, hugs, holding you in his arms, feeling pampered when you were sick, etc., might have been some of the special things he did for you.
If you were never made feel special by someone in such a way, it is understandable that you still miss him.
Women love the emotions associated with the relationship. That is what matters.
And when your guy went beyond his usual means and capacity to make you feel good, you get attached to that special person.
You miss him even after the breakup because you feel the hollow space in your life that was filled with loads of love, care, and attention.
I am assuming that since your relationship ended, one of you is to be blamed.
It does not matter what led to the end of your relationship, but what really matters is who you think is responsible for ending something so beautiful.
If you feel that you did or said something that killed the special bond, you would feel regret.
You still miss your ex because one stupid mistake ended a beautiful relationship that could have had a great future.
Even though many of us resort to blaming ourselves, just know that you were never solely the one to blame for all the relationship troubles.
It takes two to make a relationship what it is. So it can never be that it was just you.
Do you stalk him on social media or constantly check his physical whereabouts?
In that case, you are bound to miss him more, especially when you know that your relationship has already ended and there is nothing left to be done.
You are holding on, so is it any wonder that you miss him so much?
If you were serious about letting go, then you would still be in the grieving process, and you’d be going through one of the grieving stages.
Sure you’d still miss your ex if you were grieving, but stalking him is a different matter.
By stalking him, you prolong your own suffering in the extreme, because you’re vehemently resisting the reality of the breakup! (and in the process, you make yourself seem low value to him as well!)
Let me be a little blunt here! Don’t ask me, “why do I miss my ex so much?” when you are clearly doing things that would make you miss him more.
Let go and move on. You have to focus on other aspects of your life and distract yourself from the past. That is the only way forward.
The initial days of the breakup are the hardest.
You tend to remember all the moments you spent together. The good and bad aspects of your bond keep replaying in your mind.
It is okay to miss him for a few days or a month, but when you find yourself in the endless loop of memories, you need to take action to get rid of them.
The grieving stage after a breakup is not supposed to last indefinitely.
No matter how long you have been in the relationship, what your focus should be on is that “IT ENDED.” Thus, it is time to find a way to open the next chapter of your life.
For any woman, her first is always memorable. And by first, I mean, your first-time having sex was with him.
The first man you got attached to was him.
The fact that you chose him to turn you from a girl to a woman shows that you liked him a lot.
As a woman, I can relate to the fact that the first time having sex is exhilarating. We also tend to attach a lot of emotions to it.
That is one of the prime reasons we miss our “first” when the relationship ends.
Just know that he has come and served his purpose in your life, and now his purpose in your life story is no more.
Remember that people come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Most people will come into your life for the first two reasons, and you shouldn’t try to hold onto those ones!
Because it means that it will prolong the time in which you have to wait to meet the guy who enters your life for a lifetime.
When you are in a relationship with someone, you think about your future with them.
If you had long term plans in mind with your partner, you would feel the pain. The fact that you went ahead and made a detailed future plan with your guy shows how special he was to you.
But thinking that you will never find anyone better than him is a self-sabotaging belief, and one that must be changed immediately.
Just know that right now, the emptiness you feel can trick you into thinking in irrational ways.
Even if your partner was highly toxic, this feeling of grief and loss could entice you to think that filling the hole, even with toxic waste, is a good idea.
But even if your ex wasn’t particularly toxic, and you guy just weren’t good for each other, you may still assume that a mediocre quality relationship is worth more than the pain of loss.
But that is not true. In fact, the emptiness, this pain that you feel is a reminder to choose better next time, and a reminder to perhaps reevaluate the way you approach relationships.
That’s not a bad thing at all. And to be rather cliché, one failed relationship does not mean it’s the end of the world.
Are you worried that you may not find love again? Well, you will for sure. Just make sure you avoid these 5 common mistakes.
Was he the one who ended the relationship? Did you get ghosted?
If you answered yes to one or both questions, then you holding on to him means that you are not taking the rejection too well.
You ask, “why do I miss my ex so much?” when the answer is right in front of you.
You never got the closure that would satisfy you and ameliorate the intense emotions that you feel.
You miss him because you are still looking for answers that would give closure and help you move on with your life.
As hard as this is, the best closure is to remember this:
By leaving you, he chose himself and not your relationship.
By leaving you, he gave you the room you need to move onto the better things in life.
Just because this hurts, doesn’t mean that it’s not the right thing for you. Right?
Just because it hurts, doesn’t mean that the breakup wasn’t the absolute best thing that could’ve happened to you.
Let me tell you something:
The breakup isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you!
The worst thing that could happen to you is that you could waste your precious energy and time on someone who isn't 100% committed to making a life with you.
How long has it been since you had sex after the breakup?
If you haven’t been with anyone since then, it is quite possible that you simply miss the sex.
What you shared in the bed was special, and you still desire physical intimacy.
Being in a relationship is beautiful. One of the most amazing things about having that special someone is the fact that there is hardly any dull moment in your life.
But now the love is gone, and you are alone! There is no excitement, and your life has become too dull.
Such thoughts make you go back to the times when life was good, so you start missing your ex.
As hard as it is, let this difficult period remind you to be overly grateful to be in a relationship when you do find your next lover.
Because pain does have a purpose, and a good one (if you allow it the space to show you its purpose!).
This is a lesser known reason to most people, and it tends to be a certain type of person who believes in this perspective, but you may have a soul tie with your ex.
A soul tie is a strong connection you have with another person after intense emotional bonding, or after an emotional connection was formed.
Soul ties can lead you to feel like your life is meaningless without your ex, and they lead you to feel like you’re dependent on them!
Soul ties can also make you feel obsessed with the other person (hence you stalk them on social media or even in person).
If you genuinely feel like you had or have an unbreakable bond with your ex, then read our article on the 9 Unmistakeable Symptoms Of Soul Ties & How To Break Them Fast.
Honestly, I don’t have a magic pill that would make it all go away, but I do have some tried and tested ways that can help you get through this.
Here is what you must remember and follow:
You cannot begin fresh if you are still holding on to the past.
If you really desire more happiness, then stop checking on him.
Delete him from your social media accounts and block him as a contact. You need to focus on yourself now, and you need to divert all your energy towards that.
In the previous sections, I tried to answer your query, “why do I miss my ex so much?” And now I want you to take the next step and understand that you don’t have to be back together with your ex in order to be happy.
If you want to not miss him so much, then stop finding reasons to bring him back into your life.
Your mind will play tricks on you, but you need to be firm in your resolve.
I agree that love is all about emotions, but as a woman, I know that emotions are not all that we look for in a relationship.
You need to think practically and jot down all the things that your ex did not deliver on or was not good at.
Prepare a list of all the things you did not like about him or your relationship.
Let that list be a reminder to you that he was no good for you and that you should move on to something more practical and fulfilling.
One of the most important things to remember when trying to get over someone completely is that you need to have faith.
You found love once, and you will find it again. And this time, it will probably be better (if you allow yourself to learn the lesson from the last relationship, that is).
Have faith and move on with your life. You will surely cross paths with someone who truly deserves you.
Merely finding out “why do I miss my ex so much?” is not enough, because you also need to learn to let go of the past.
Learning to not hold on to your ex is also important since it allows you to get back to your life and focus on the future.
You cannot define your entire life with one failed relationship and nor should you. That would be a huge disservice to yourself!
Life is all about feelings and experiences, and these feelings and experiences are here to teach you something and show you a different or better path next time.
(Yes, even if these feelings and experiences are painful).
How boring and purposeless would your life be if you always just felt comfortable and avoided pain?
Always remember: “It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”
Varsha is a writer and mother of a beautiful son. She has a dual Master’s degree in Business Management (Finance & Marketing) and Career Counselling certification. Her passion for learning led her to the teaching domain, where she shares the knowledge she gained over the years through education and personal life. She teaches students of ATMC College Melbourne (as a Management Faculty).
Author For National Council for Research on Women
Author & Editor For National Council for Research on Women. Founder of the popular women's dating & relationship advice website, The Feminine Woman.
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