Author: Varsha Asrani & Renée Shen
Discussing this topic makes me a little furious. Personally, I feel that no matter how close you were in the past, nobody must be allowed to test you.
But the world doesn’t really follow my whims and opinions, so the important thing here is that you learn how best to respond to the signs your ex is testing you.
Some men test women after a breakup to see if there is any possibility of getting back together, while others are just trying to find fun in your misery.
Extracting as much information as possible from you about how you are coping with a breakup or moving on with your life fills up the emptiness your ex is now feeling.
Sometimes an ex just doesn't understand that there was a really good reason why the relationship didn’t work out, and that the past has to be put to rest so that one can move on with their life.
However, some spiteful people don’t really take the breakup too well, so they resort to weird behavior just to test you.
These tests can sometimes be derogatory or offensive, but on the odd occasion they can be loving (only if your ex is a saint or they truly care about you).
As such, if your ex is known to be toxic, you should be mindful of not falling into your ex’s trap, because you don’t want to jump on the train wreck with them.
And remember that your ex testing you is essentially a test of one of the following things:
I had this ex who did not take the breakup too well, and I had to resort to closing down my social media accounts.
When your ex goes crazy and becomes obsessed with you even after you leave them, they can do things that can be really embarrassing.
My ex found pleasure in commenting on every update, every post, and every pic I posted on social media.
Most of these comments were aimed at annoying me and triggering a response from me.
However, I decided to take the high road and did not heed his woeful comments.
Know that when you get involved in the train wreck, it undermines your value. The last thing you would want to do after a breakup is resort to low value behaviors.
If you are looking for signs that your ex is testing you, check out how they talk to you.
If they constantly say things aimed at making you feel humiliated, then they are inadvertently testing your self esteem and patience.
Deep down, they want a response from you in the form of regret. Maybe it is the closure they are looking for that you are in a bad place after leaving them.
Passing derogatory remarks shows that they’re hurt badly, and now they want to see you hurt.
They’re testing you to see how upset you feel for leaving them.
If you are still on talking terms with your ex, you need to be smart and aware of their chosen topics of discussion.
Take it as one of the crystal-clear signs your ex is testing you when they boast about their latest one-night stand or hook-up.
They want to test if you feel jealous that they’ve met someone else or whether you are happy after leaving them.
You guys have broken up, so why would they care about your life?
You guessed it. It is one of the signs that your ex is testing you to see if you have moved on.
Chances are that even if you guys are not together, they still haven't gotten over you.
If you choose to show your ex that life is normal and fun after the breakup, it will discourage them from further investigating your life.
However, if you show your ex how miserable you have been without them, they might take it as a sign that there is still a chance of you guys getting back together.
Honestly, I despise exes who try to poke into your life and not let you be.
It’s discomforting because it is none of your ex’s business to know with whom you are involved.
If they try to know about your sex life post-breakup, take it as one of the clearest signs your ex is testing you.
They’re jealous of you or the person you’re seeing now, and want to know for sure if you have closed the doors of getting back together.
When going through a bad breakup, we tend to fall prey to some very difficult emotions (emotions that often even catch ourselves by surprise).
Posting melancholy stuff on social media is one of the obvious signs your ex is testing you.
If he or she blames you for the breakup, you can expect to see derogatory or embarrassing posts with direct mention of your name.
If he or she blames themselves, then the posts would be more depressing about the failure of love.
You have a choice to make now – to respond or remain silent!
One of the strangest but also heartbreaking things some people do after a breakup is fall back on or develop harmful habits.
They cannot cope with the loss - nobody taught them how to grieve or process the emotions in a healthy way, so they default to toxic habits that cripple their health.
Your ex might take up smoking, drinking to excess or becoming dependent on antidepressants.
If your ex lets you know about how he or she is picking up nasty habits, it’s likely that they want to achieve one of the following aims:
The way you respond to your ex now can either give them hope of getting back together or encourage them to find a way to deal with their issues on their own.
Meeting once or twice may be considered a coincidence, but when you regularly bump into him or her, then it’s premeditated.
Your ex wants to see you again and again in order to test you.
It is one of the ways in which they can see how you respond to or behave when graced with their presence - they can possibly deduce whether you’ve been longing to see them (or not).
Some exes will do this in the hope that they won’t end up in your ‘out of sight, out of mind’ basket!
But if you’re finding the repeated coincidental meetings to be highly annoying, then there’s a good chance that they’re trying to force their way into your psyche and to test how far they can push you before you show them some emotion.
Once you show them such emotion, they can feel more in control and perhaps make you succumb to getting back together with them!
When your ex asks you if you miss the physical intimacy you shared, it is an indication that they’re having a difficult time forgetting about it (and you).
If your ex is doing this, then they are trying to accomplish one of the following things:
They want to make you think about them in a sexual way and crave them again
They want more influence over you and your sexual choices
It is one of those signs your ex is testing you to know if you want to give your relationship another try
They want to make you consider rebound sex
Only someone who thinks you are ungrateful, or who wants to prey on your feelings of guilt to draw you back in would do this.
If your ex always reminds you about the gifts they gave you, the job they secured for you or the grand birthday celebration they arranged for you, then they are:
It is a test exes often use to find out whether you take the blame for what happened or not.
And if you are willing to take the blame, then yippee!
Because if you are willing to take the blame, then they have to shoulder less pain, and they can maybe play the good guy card and get you to give the relationship another try.
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
Poking into your business shows that they want to make you feel uncomfortable.
If they explicitly ask you whether you are sleeping with someone, then they’re testing to see if you are capable of moving on with your life or not.
Your ex might be judgmental if you answer “Yes.”
But if you feel you did the right thing, you need not be concerned about what they think, your ex is just trying to push your buttons to gain more control over you.
Research shows, “the deeper the love, the deeper the hate.”
If you are still looking for concrete signs your ex is testing you; check your ex’s behavior when you are around.
Does your ex’s actions seem to communicate that they hate you and they’re trying to force you to know about it?
Does your ex like creating a scene and putting unnecessary attention onto you?
If yes, then it’s a sign that he or she wants you to feel bad.
Putting you in such a situation that you feel embarrassed and worthless is one of the cruellest things someone can do to you.
If your ex is doing this to you, then they want to test if you have what it takes to fight back and move on without regrets.
Because if you do fight back, then they can no longer control you.
If you don’t fight back, then they’ll keep pushing you, because the more of their cruel ways you can absorb, then:
You need to confirm in your heart first whether you want to get back together with your ex or move on with your life.
If you don’t want to relive the past, then I suggest you try silence in most scenarios.
Let your ex come to the realization by themselves that there is no “us” in the relationship now.
You have already chosen a path (that is sticking to the breakup), and it would be best if he or she does the same.
Being upfront about how you feel now is another way to go. You can even confront your ex directly, asking them to stop their testing shenanigans.
Though if they’re a narcissistic a-hole, this will not work well, and ignoring them will work better.
However, if you still have feelings for your ex and getting back together is still on the cards, you may consider the above signs a desperate attempt from them to call you back into their life.
There are three common reasons for an ex to check up on their partners:
Love is a complicated feeling that inspires people to do stupid and crazy things.
If you know in your heart that you and your ex are meant to be together, but you’re both just scared, then consider whether parting ways does more damage than staying together to work on the relationship.
However - if you know that your ex is toxic, then you probably have nothing to apologise for, because leaving them is the best thing that you could do for your ex and for yourself.
Leaving them to grieve may not be what they want, but it will be what they need.
Varsha is a writer and mother of a beautiful son. She has a dual Master’s degree in Business Management (Finance & Marketing) and Career Counselling certification. Her passion for learning led her to the teaching domain, where she shares the knowledge she gained over the years through education and personal life. She teaches students of ATMC College Melbourne (as a Management Faculty).
Editor & Author For National Council for Research on Women. Founder & Author of the Popular Women's Relationship & Dating Advice Website, The Feminine Woman.
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