Author: Oscar Paul R. Brian & Renée Shen
Have you ever had a guy who’s obsessed with you and won’t go away?
It can honestly be scary.
I had a stalker for years who just wouldn’t take no for an answer and made my life a living hell.
Here were the top subtle and not-so-subtle signs that my over-affectionate admirer showed. If you’re experiencing these signs as well, then be warned:
He’s clearly extremely obsessed with you and won’t be easy to get rid of.
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One of the top signs he is obsessed with you is that he calls and texts you constantly.
He’s hitting you with random calls, texts and asking what you’re up to pretty much all the time.
And his responses to anything you send are lightning-quick.
You might even wonder if he’s just hovering over his phone waiting for any contact from you and answering immediately.
Honestly? Probably yes.
He calls you morning, noon and night.
Calls you when you're exercising, when you're having lunch, when you're at work, when you're studying and at every possible moment, to the point where you just think you can't take another step or do anything without getting a call or text on your phone from him.
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No matter where you are or what you're doing, it just seems like he's trying to keep tabs on you.
You can't even breathe without having him watching you or wanting to know what you’re up to.
If you have a romantic history with him or are dating him it’s even worse, because he thinks he has “claimed” you.
And sometimes it makes you paranoid to think that a guy is basically obsessed with you to the point that he wants to follow your every step.
There’s no worse sign he is obsessed with you than refusing to hear your voice.
If you tell him you aren’t interested, he acts like he couldn’t physically hear you.
If you say you’re busy, he just texts back or calls again an hour later.
You try to be polite and tell him that you have a boyfriend, that you need time or that you’re not feeling it…
And he responds by doubling down.
It’s entirely clear that he’s obsessed to the degree that you’ll probably need a restraining order.
In fact, a guy not listening to your ‘no’ is an extremely obvious red flag that you need to be aware of!
Unless he is crossing your boundaries for your own good (for example, you’re doing something that is bad for you and he’s trying to save you), not listening to your ‘no’ is very bad news.
Recommended: 6 Behaviors You Should Never Tolerate In A Man.
One of the top signs he’s obsessed with you is that he becomes like your personal KGB spy.
He wants to know who you meet with and why.
Whether it's going out alone, going to parties, going out with friends, wearing certain clothes, talking to men or even having contact with your family members if you don't live with them.
He wants to know.
Sure, he may ask nicely at first. But eventually he loses the pleasant attitude and it turns into entitlement.
Instead of asking nicely, he gets pretty insistent and abuses the time and attention you initially gave him.
The strongest characteristic of a man who is obsessed with a woman, particularly when he is in a relationship with her, is that he wants to force her to do everything he wants.
Your decisions are no longer yours.
He decides what you can and cannot do - or at least he tries to.
He suffocates the freedom of your spirit, then says it is only because he cares about you.
But make no mistake: this is toxic obsession and possessiveness!
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Usually the obsessive person is highly interested in the victim sexually and does everything to have sex with them as much as possible.
It’s not just that he’s horny, either.
It’s because for him sex is a way to connect deeply with you and try to get his emotional grapple hooks in you.
So if you've met someone for a short time and he already wants to be intimate, like, all. The. time. Then be careful.
The man who truly loves you will feel your hesitation or at least listen to what you are feeling. He will be willing to wait until the time is right.
One of the most disturbing signs he is obsessed with you is that he makes big plans for the future without your input.
While you try to tell him to take it slowly, he’s already accelerating like Mario Andretti.
He’s ready to pop the question and decide on buying a house after a week of going out.
When you try to tell him to chill he says:
“What for? I already know that you’re the love of my life.”
The obsessive guy wants to know everything about you.
If he’s dating you, he expects your passwords, access to your phone and free reign to go around your accounts and private messages.
He wants to look at your phone in a “friendly” way, but he gets a lot less friendly if you don’t like it or want to keep your texts and social media accounts private.
He simply has no respect for you as an independent human being.
Most women are more likely to complain that the men they meet are emotionally unavailable than they are to complain that the man is emotionally needy!
So if your guy is not just a little needy here and there, but he’s extremely emotionally needy - that’s a problem you cannot afford to ignore.
It's natural for people in love to enjoy their partner's company, but if your admirer takes it too far, it’s a classic sign of toxic obsession.
If you’ve dated a guy like this then you know what I mean.
If he always repeats things like:
"I’d die without you in my life"
"You’re everything to me"
"I need you all the time.”
Then it's time to think twice about the future of this relationship.
It's not healthy that he needs your presence to continue living, and it’s not “love.”
Of course, there's nothing wrong with him saying he loves you and that he enjoys you being by his side.
But if he’s making his happiness your responsibility, then it’s something much different, and much darker…
When a boyfriend shows an unusual interest in the style of your hair, your makeup, and your clothes, it may be time to rethink the relationship.
If you only went out with him once or twice or texted a few times, it’s obviously even creepier.
Why is this one of the signs he is obsessed with you?
Because a man who is obsessed with you will want control over you - and creating negative emotions in you is a classic way to beat down someone's emotional state and even their self esteem - to make them easier to control.
If he starts telling you what you should wear, what you can't wear or that you should change your makeup or your hairstyle and haircut, beware!
Always remember that you are an individual and he shouldn't make decisions regarding your appearance and lifestyle.
Sure, he can say he prefers your hair another way or that the other skirt suits you more, but he should be saying it with the intent to help - not the intent to criticise or make you feel bad.
And if you’re unsure about his intent, ask yourself this:
“When he makes comments about my appearance or lifestyle choices, does it feel like he wants me to feel bad?”
If the answer is yes, then be sure to let him know that this behavior adds no real value to your life.
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When someone is obsessed with another person, what usually happens is that there is an intense desire to keep the person in their life at any cost, and also an intense desire to be close to the person.
One of the top signs he is obsessed with you is that he basically starts shadowing you.
If you're at the gym, he'll find a way to start going there at the same time as you.
If you're at school, he's always there to “pick you up” or say hi.
He comes to talk to you all the time, and it starts to seem like he's one of those detectives from CSI or something.
When a boyfriend insists that he needs to have constant contact with you so he can talk to you whenever he wants, it's time to get worried.
If he gives you a cell phone so he can contact you anytime, that’s a giant red flag.
If he can't talk to you or get on to you, and he starts calling your friends or relatives asking where you are, know that this is a sign of obsessive behavior.
You have a life of your own and you shouldn't have to keep reporting your steps to your boyfriend or admirer all the time.
Obsession often leads to frustration.
When he doesn’t feel the kind of intimacy he hopes for with you, he builds up elaborate fantasies in his mind.
You may see signs of them in his contact with you, or in the dreamy expression he gets when he sees you.
The creepy part is that they occur without any connection to reality, because he’s living inside his own head.
Know that these fantasies aren’t really about you or about making your life better, they’re all about fulfilling a perceived lack within him or his life.
When we fall in love, it is normal to think of our loved one many times during the day, or even to be reminded of them when we hear certain music or see certain objects around us.
However, one of the biggest signs he is obsessed with you is that he has no boundaries and tries to be in your face wherever you are.
This is particularly true if you’re ever away for an extended time such as on holiday with your family or on a long work trip.
He literally cannot let you forget him for a second.
One of the most worrying signs he is obsessed with you is that he doesn’t validate any of your needs for space.
He expects you to always want to be around him.
For example, if he expects you to always put your friends and family aside to be with him, be aware that this is not normal, it’s not healthy and it’s not OK.
It’s ok to request your presence at times if he’s your partner, but if he flips out when you need to prioritise others, then he’s not loving you or respecting you.
He's trying to make you emotionally dependent so he can control you.
Common signs that he’s obsessed with you in a good way include romantic gestures that touch your heart. For example:
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Romantic obsession and infatuation isn’t always a bad thing. It can even be enjoyable and flattering in limited doses.
Here is a simple way to tell the difference between the kind of admirer you want and the kind you want to stay far away from.
Yes, this can be a perfectly healthy emotional and physical desire. Obsession doesn’t always have to be creepy and can be positive and enriching if it’s respectful and reciprocal.
Paul Rowan Brian is a freelance journalist, author and writer from Canada. He's written for Ideapod, Hack Spirit and Love Connection and is focused on culture, relationships and self-development. You can follow him on Twitter @paulrbrian.
Author & Editor For National Council for Research on Women. Founder of the popular women's dating & relationship advice website, The Feminine Woman.
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