Author: Varsha Asrani & Renée Shen
I know from personal experience how hurtful it is when he says, “I don’t love you anymore.” Your mind churns out incidents that might have resulted in this predicament. But eventually, you realize that when it’s over – it’s over!
Honestly, I felt relieved after my first relationship shattered (but only after a brief period of regret, guilt, and worthlessness). As they say, “nothing lasts forever!”
When you finally accept it and realize that he stopped loving you, you allow yourself to get closure. You get to chin up and move on with your life - plus make room for the man who is actually right for you!
“Love is hard to find, hard to keep, and hard to forget.” – Alysha Speer
However, men rarely express their feelings explicitly. And this sometimes keeps us ladies living in a dilemma about what’s bothering him.
It doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship for two months or two years or whether you are engaged, married, or just living together. The fact that you were together showed that you shared a mutual feeling of love.
Hence, it’s important to be absolutely sure that he doesn’t feel the same way now.
If your guy hasn’t yet said anything clearly, but you suspect that he is avoiding you constantly and might be hooking up with someone else, then you need to look out for these clear signs he doesn’t love you anymore.
Remember when you first started going out, and everything you did fascinated him?
He was observant and always found ways to tell you how beautiful you were or that he loved your smile.
Does he still pay attention to you like that now? Or is he constantly finding faults in you by comparing you with others?
One of the clearest signs he doesn’t love you anymore is that he spares no time in criticizing you. It might be complaining about your weight, looks, or how you dress or cook.
When you find him repeatedly doing this, know that he has already stopped loving you for who you are in his heart.
The fact that he criticizes you shows that he wants you to be someone that you’re not, and even that what you are is of no interest to him.
This is not ok.
Of course, you need to also be aware that this doesn’t necessarily always mean that he definitely doesn’t love you anymore.
It could honestly be the fact that you have both built up far too much negative associations inside your relationship.
Negative associations are bad feelings that surface repeatedly within you or your partner's body in response to each other’s actions or presence, due to past hurts or trauma.
So if you guys have had a toxic relationship or you have done your fair share of hating on him, disrespecting him, distrusting him or criticizing him, then don’t be surprised that these actions are reciprocated!
But if you guys have generally had a respectful, committed and connection oriented relationship in the past and he suddenly becomes extra critical, then that is definitely one of the signs he doesn't love you anymore.
I am not talking about consistent monkey sex where you just jump into the bed to hump senselessly. You should be looking out for whether the early morning kisses and random hugs are still a part of your lives?
If you have long lost such intimate moments, there is a great chance that he has lost interest in you. Does he reciprocate even when you take the initiative, or is it just a formality for him? Because a man in love would rarely miss an opportunity to get close and show you how much he wants you.
One of the surest signs he doesn’t love you anymore is when he stops sharing his secrets with you. Despite the small fights, he would still confide in you if he loved you.
When he stops doing it, then you can deduce that he doesn’t find you worthy of having you as his secret keeper. He doesn’t love you anymore, hence he would keep his life secrets to himself - or reserve such information for someone else!
When you fight or disagree (and I am assuming that since you are reading this write-up, things are not amicable between you two), try telling him that you may leave him if he keeps treating you badly.
See what his reaction is.
If you have already faced such incidents, you would know that the mention of you leaving would at least mildly concern him, or even bring him to his knees.
However, if he simply shrugs and keeps looking at his phone or openly says that it wouldn’t matter if you left, then my dear, the love is long gone.
It’s better not to drag the relationship on, no matter how much you want to hold on.
Remember this: never be afraid to walk away.
Walking away is one of the most high value things you can do when you are being treated badly. See it as voting for yourself, your worth and also a vote for the next guy who will treat you right!
When you are in a relationship, you generally would want your partner to know your whereabouts.
Knowing that you would worry if you cannot contact him should be enough reason for him (or for any man for that matter), to keep you updated.
When you find your man disappearing for long periods without even a word, and he neither bothers to inform you beforehand nor does he explain himself after re-appearing, consider it a crystal-clear sign he doesn’t love you anymore.
“Must I go bound while you go free
Must I love a man who doesn’t love me
Must I be born with so little art
As to love a man who’ll break my heart.”
― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince
Love is not just physical affection. Love is about sharing experiences, being seen in the world together, and being proud of each other.
When you are genuinely in love, you want to announce it to the world, show off your partner, and be in love with them openly. However, when the feeling of love no longer exists inside the heart, one avoids making plans together.
Do you know how to find out if he still loves you?
You initiate the plan for a movie or a dinner. If he repeatedly stands you up or finds reasons to delay or cancel, understand that he no longer wants the relationship to continue.
And guess what?
It’s painful, very painful for you.
But sometime in the near future, you’ll realise that it’s ok. Even if you thought he was the love of your life, him no longer choosing you will eventually produce feelings of aversion within you, too.
Grieve, but don’t become resentful. Because it’s when you become resentful that you’ll struggle manifesting the right man for you in the future!
(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)
A man who is in love would constantly want something from you. It might be:
Whatever it is, there always has to be some sort of expectation from your partner when you love them.
This is a natural consequence of adding value to your lover and hoping for value to be reciprocated.
When he stops expecting anything from you, this natural flow in the relationship is completely disrupted.
When he stops expecting anything from you and doesn’t even bother to ask if you want something from him, it is time to move on. He no longer loves you and hence has stopped expecting anything from you.
Nothing could be more of a stand out among the signs he doesn’t love you any more than this one!
Him flirting with other women even when you are around shows that he doesn’t respect you enough even to hide it.
When he does it openly, it is time that you understand he has lost all his feelings for you – including love! He wants out and hence is resorting to such embarrassing behavior.
I would go out on a limb and say that this would probably be one of the most definitive signs he doesn’t love you anymore.
For a man, trusting their partner is the utmost important thing. And when the trust is gone, then so is love!
When a man genuinely loves you, then even if you’ve done something to break his trust, he will double down and try to inspire you to do the right thing by him and by the relationship.
He will still want you - but he will be trying to mould your behavior to something more conducive to a loving and trusting relationship.
If he simply says he doesn’t trust you and the case is closed, then you have a problem.
Trust is the first pillar of love, and when the pillar itself is not present, there is no love to stand on!
When you are in love, you tend to do many things to please each other. Especially men! They would sometimes go out of their way and do sweet things to awe you. That is what true love is all about.
But when your partner tends to act selfishly - and too often, that cannot be considered to be an act of love.
Instead it shows that he couldn’t care less about what you would feel and is just interested in keeping himself happy.
When you find your man constantly acting selfish and doing things that just please him (even if it annoys you), realize that he doesn’t love you anymore.
There’s one caveat with this one (because I want to be careful here - I don’t want you to just jump to conclusions and get angry at him, accusing him of not loving you).
I would say that if he’s always acting selfish and you’ve already shown him how his actions make you feel viscerally - then he really doesn’t love you!
See: talking isn’t enough to make a man realize that what he does hurts you. You have to actually feel the feelings for him to ‘get’ the message.
So if all you’ve done is complain verbally, threaten the relationship, or criticize him, then try showing him how this all actually feels.
If he still ignores you or seems uninterested - then yes, he probably doesn’t have the same feelings of love that he used to have.
If there is one thing that a man in love cannot stand it is tears in his woman’s eyes.
If you are hurt and he loves you, he will do everything possible to make you feel better. He would be there for you to console you or talk to you. That is what a man in love does!
And he will do it almost tirelessly.
But when you find yourself constantly weeping alone in the corners of the room even when he is present, then he has probably made up his mind to no longer care for you.
He doesn’t love you anymore, and hence your tears do not move him in a way that would inspire him to put in the effort to make you feel good again.
We all do stupid and regretful things in life, and then we learn from them and grow. The past mistakes are what made you the person you are today.
However, when your man constantly brings up the mistakes you made in the past that made him feel bad, then perhaps he is trying to remind you that you are not a good person.
Why would he do that unless he wants to convey that he is still bothered by it?
It shows that he is unable to get past those mistakes and accept you now.
Constantly bringing up your past mistakes or the awkward moments from long ago in order to embarrass you or make you feel bad is one of the clearest signs he doesn’t love you anymore!
Most men are built in a way that they cannot help but flirt with the person they love. Even if you have been together for 10 or 20 years, he won’t stop flirting.
This is one of the things that helps him remain connected to you. Even the most shy guy will make an effort to flirt once in a while in order to engage you and capture those moments of laughter or passion.
When a man stops flirting with his partner, it shows that he has lost interest in the relationship.
Unless he is in a lot of emotional and physical pain - or unless he’s grieving something in his life - this is a sorry sign he doesn’t love you anymore.
The spark is gone, and he is making no effort to bring it back. What caused it is a discussion for another time. What matters is he doesn’t feel the same way for you as he did before.
Men in love want to reach out and contact their woman - it’s pretty simple!
And am I right when I say it’s a simple action that you as a woman appreciate a lot?
So when he doesn’t ever initiate contact and you’re always the one initiating contact, consider that a sign that he doesn’t want a relationship with you and doesn’t love you anymore.
When a man makes an active effort to stay away from you night after night - even while sleeping, then that’s one of the signs he doesn’t love you anymore.
Why create such distance in the relationship if he still really loved you?
There are exceptions to this - like him trying to give you space to sleep on your own if he snores, or if he’s sick and doesn’t want to get too close in order to keep you from catching his sickness.
But a man insisting on sleeping in a separate bedroom to you is not a man who loves you.
When a man loves a woman, he wants to see her healthy and happy - and he will do things to contribute to that.
And the same is true of a woman in love with a man, correct?
It’s a simple human thing. It’s what makes humans capable of connecting and relating deeper - the fact that we have the capacity to feel other people’s suffering and in turn, contribute to their physical and emotional health.
True love can be perceived in the simplest every day actions. Actions like:
If he stops doing these little things whilst he used to do them often, then something is up!
Men in love are more irrational than they usually are. At least when it comes to the woman they're in love with.
Even if you have some clear character flaws, he will fight for you and your reputation in every situation.
The thought of not doing it is unthinkable to him - because you guys are a team, and you love each other very much. He’s always on your side.
However, if he once fought for you - your rights or your reputation - and he’s stopped dong that for a while, he may no longer love you the way he used to.
There is no shortcut or a magic potion that would make you feel hurt less or help you just get over him not loving you anymore.
Like any other grief, a broken heart is healed with time and care towards every emotion you’re feeling.
However, there are certain things you can do to cope so that you regain that positive outlook towards life and find the right partner to share your love with.
You’ve put years into this marriage or relationship. And now it’s time to look at it objectively, with your mind.
Is this the kind of relationship you wanted before you met him?
Would you want this type of relationship for your daughter, sister, or closest friend?
Ask yourself if you’d choose him as your partner again if you had to do it all over again. That may assist you in evaluating your relationship and deciding whether or not to stay.
This is arguably the hardest part of getting over a man not loving you.
As women with predominantly feminine energy and feminine perspective, we generally prefer to hold onto someone we have formed a relationship with.
It keeps resources close and makes us feel less alone - or so that’s what we tend to assume.
But the truth is, you’ll suffocate him if you keep dragging the relationship out. Even the most intimate lovers require space to breathe, let alone a couple who is clearly drifting apart.
“I can’t love you unless I give you up.”
― Edith Wharton, The Age of Innocence
The healthiest way to love someone is to let go when it’s not meant to be. You can still love him even while letting him go, I promise.
Dealing with regret, coping with guilt, and mending shame are all aspects of letting go.
You surrender your expectations when you let go of a person. You discover tranquility and liberty. And eventually, you can begin to move forward into a new phase of your life.
Breaking up with someone who doesn’t love you can be difficult and painful. But that is the right thing to do!
People who are unhappy in relationships often never try to leave because they believe there will never be another person for them. They fear that they will be alone for the rest of their lives if they split up with this individual!
But that isn’t the case.
Love found you once, and it will find you again! Trust that love does exist in the world even while you’re hurting, have faith and believe in yourself.
You are a woman after all, and that fact alone means that you always have a reserve of love to give.
And when you have love to give, you’ll attract love naturally.
You may just need to grieve your loss to feel like you can access that endless well of love again, and that’s ok.
In fact, that’s normal.
So prioritise grieving and letting go.
So, there you have it – the definite signs he doesn’t love you anymore. If you suspect that your relationship is moving in the direction where being together is more painful than staying apart, then you need to check whether that’s the type of relationship you want.
Perusing this write-up would give you a clear idea of whether your guy still loves you or not.
If he doesn’t love you anymore, you need to be brave and move on with your life. Remember that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and all you need is one!
Varsha is a writer and mother of a beautiful son. She has a dual Master’s degree in Business Management (Finance & Marketing) and Career Counselling certification. Her passion for learning led her to the teaching domain, where she shares the knowledge she gained over the years through education and personal life. She teaches students of ATMC College Melbourne (as a Management Faculty).
Author For National Council for Research on Women
Author & Editor For National Council for Research on Women. Founder of the popular women's dating & relationship advice website, The Feminine Woman.
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