8 Exact Steps to Be High Value When He Pulls Away

Author: Sarah Meyer & Renée Shen

Have you ever gotten close to a man, so close you couldn’t ever imagine doubting him - only to experience him suddenly pulling away? 

You’ve spent a really nice weekend together, you’re really feeling connected to him, and then it’s like something snaps - he becomes cold and serious, distracted and busy, or just plain unresponsive? 

Having had moments like this in my relationship, often without my man realizing the shift in his energy and focus, I know how scary and stressful this can be. 

And yet, it is a near-universal experience in relationships with masculine men.   

Related: 10 Reasons Why Men Pull Away & What To Do. 

Most of the time, a man pulling away from you doesn’t have to mean that he’s going to leave you. 

The last time my boyfriend pulled away from me, I was so confused. 

What happened to the guy who was holding both my hands and looking into my eyes, telling me his love for me was as powerful as the waterfall we were standing next to? 

He seemed almost like a different person. He was intense and quiet, yet he wasn’t mad at me, we hadn’t had a fight, and nothing bad had happened. 

We’d been talking about getting married and moving in together the night before. I did wonder, was he regretting what he’d said? 

But when I asked him what he was thinking about, he said he was stressing about how he hasn’t gotten enough work done this year.

Understanding Why He Pulls Away

It’s a tough thing to accept that men, even men in love, will sometimes act in ways that we perceive as pulling away. 

This can happen at any stage of a relationship, from when you’re initially getting to know each other, to long-term marriages and partnerships. 

And it certainly feels like unnecessary suffering - why can’t he just stay close and connected to me all the time? 

Perhaps, if he really loved me, he wouldn’t need to do this!

Unfortunately, it is this exact mindset that, left unchallenged, leads to the greatest pain and suffering when men pull away

And harbouring this mindset will thwart any of your attempts to learn how to be high value when he pulls away.

When we come from a place of feeling entitled to a man’s attention, affection, and focus, we are far more likely to respond to these kinds of scenarios in low value ways that push him further away. 

By the way, did you know that are some specific signs a woman is being low value?

There Are 7 Common Signs That A Woman is Perceived as Low Value to All Men. Do You Know What They Are & How to Avoid Them Like the Plague?

CLICK here to discover the 7 common signs that a woman is perceived as low value in the eyes of men in this special report.

(Why is this important? Because men and women perceive value very differently and you don’t want to be making mistakes that would cause quality men to dismiss, abandon or alienate you.) 

Don’t Expect Your Man To Act Like A Woman

In addition, if we expect our man to act like a woman, without taking the time to try to understand his perspective as a man, we are going to have all the wrong information about what is happening in our relationship. 

And that’s going to lead not only to more fear and stress for us, but more frustration and loss of freedom for him. This is basically a lose-lose situation. 

There are, however, some things we can do when a man pulls away that actually help bring him closer in the long run. 

These 8 steps can help us work through our emotions about what’s happening, and to show up in a high value way that inspires his trust and increases his attraction to us. 

By the way, did you know that there is one specific emotional trigger inside of every man that makes him want to commit to you and ONLY you forever?

CLICK here to Discover The One Specific Emotional Trigger Within Every Single Man in this World That Inspires Him to WANT to Commit to One Woman, Take Care of Her, Worship Her & Only Her.

Here are 8 steps that explain how to be high value when he pulls away. 

Step #1: Let Yourself Feel

When we are caught up in fear and pain, we’re not going to find it easy to attune to someone else, especially when that someone else is very different from ourselves. 

But it’s almost inevitable that we will feel these kinds of emotions when a man we are invested in pulls away. 

This is something that we can understand through evolutionary biology. 

For our female ancestors living in a hunter-gatherer society, being abandoned by a man could have been very costly, affecting their own survival, the survival of their offspring, and their access to resources. 

It is likely that because of these costs, women have evolved to be hyper-attuned to signals of abandonment, and to experience powerful negative emotions when we see our partner displaying these kinds of cues. 

MORE: How The Fear Of Abandonment Can Make You More Beautiful.

Contrary to the I-don’t-need-no-man slogan,  it is normal, if you’re deeply invested in a man and have developed a lot of trust and openness with him, to feel like you’re in danger or you might die when he pulls away. 

Those emotions used to play an important role in keeping our ancestors safe.  

However, these days it’s unlikely that being abandoned by a man, even a man we’re in love with, will kill us or threaten our lives. 

And instead of helping us, in a modern environment, those feelings can actually sometimes lead us to behave abusively towards a man, or to treat him in ways that do further damage to our connection with him.

Of course, this doesn’t have to be the case, because there are healthy ways to express and share those feelings. 

We don’t have to hide them. And in fact, hiding our feelings is also going to do damage to our connection with a man, because we will naturally become less trusting, less open, and more resentful towards him if we have to do this.

So it’s really important to make sure we process the emotions we feel about a man pulling away from us in a relationship. 

This is the key step that shows us how to be high value when he pulls away - all the other steps depend on this step to some extent. 

What we need to do is to recognize that while our instincts are not the only truth there is in this situation, they are still real and they need to be acknowledged so that we can consider the other layers of truth. 

When a man pulls away and you want to be high value, it can help to:

Get the emotions out by crying (Renée talks about this in her article on Why Men pull Away & How To Be High Value).

  • Listen to music or songs that describe how you feel
  • Accept that the way that you feel is okay
  • Acknowledge that you are not crazy 
  • Write out your anger and hurt in a safe place where it can’t hurt your man
  • Admit your hopes and dreams for the relationship (to yourself)

By the way, it may also help calm your anxiety to find out how commitment friendly your man is: QUIZ TIME: Is your man serious about committing to you? CLICK HERE to find out with this specially crafted quiz!

Step #2: Question Your Fears 

Fear is a powerful thing. It is there to keep us safe. 

But because of its emotional intensity, we can sometimes act on it without thinking and forget to question it.

It’s common when a man pulls away, for women to feel too much discomfort to believe that there could be deeper and better truths out there.

As someone who has struggled with severe anxiety at times, I believe that if you let fear make your decisions for you, you cannot have an attuned relationship. 

You will run into constant trouble, because your fears will put you into a completely different place than the people you are trying to connect with, and almost all of your actions will make things worse. 

Luckily, it is actually relatively easy to find strategies and mindsets that can help you know how to be high value when he pulls away. 

These strategies will also help  you get out of fear and see things more clearly. 

The first and most important thing to do is to simply be willing to question the worst case scenarios running around in your head. 

This will often feel like the wrong thing to do at the time - because you feel like you’re opening yourself up to pain, but it isn’t wrong. 

Be willing to ask yourself the hard questions. Here are some examples of questions to ask yourself”

  1. Do I really need to be so stressed about this?
  2. Am I making up problems in my head?
  3. If I tried to write out the situation and explain it to other people, would they get what’s worrying me?

I have a note on my fridge that I look at every day. It’s helped me immensely. It simply reads: 

“What if I wasn’t so scared?”

Question the fear. 

Be willing to believe that listening to your fears is not necessarily going to make you safer in every situation. 

Again, sometimes the fears are going to create more trouble, and distract you from what’s actually happening in your relationship.

MORE: New Relationship Anxiety: 9 Crippling Symptoms, Causes & How To Overcome It. 

If you want to know how to be high value when he pulls away, you have to be able to get yourself out of fear so that you can open up to him and to the reality that you are in. 

If you find yourself struggling with severe anxiety that plagues you for days, you might actually benefit from discovering your own attachment style.

Women who have an insecure attachment style tend to sink deeper into unnecessary anxiety and sabotage their relationships, so if you’re aware of your own attachment style, you can easily predict your fears and manage your anxiety.

Luckily for you, we have a women-specific quiz that can tell you your exact attachment style.

QUIZ TIME: Do I have secure or insecure attachment patterns? CLICK HERE to find out with our specially crafted women-specific 10 Question Quiz!

(Why is this important? It is because your core attachment style largely dictates and influences what happens in your relationship. Thus it’s imperative you understand your core attachment style!)

Step 3: Ask: Are You Entitled To Your Suffering? 

As I explained above, it’s normal and natural for you as a woman to experience pain and suffering when your man pulls away from you. 

What I’m about to describe here has nothing to do with the reality of those feelings, and even their power to bring a man close to you when you need him the most. 

But when we aren’t in the (very uncomfortable) habit of questioning our fears and trying to understand other people, we can sometimes get stuck in the belief that we have a right to get what we want from others. 

I have felt this way on some level before - that men should give me what I need right now, because I need it so much, and being exposed to these fears and this suffering is so painful. 

This is not the best place from which to try to understand someone else, and it is the antithesis of being a high value woman when a man pulls away! 

It is ultimately a low value place that encourages us to try to take from others, or to punish them for not giving us what we thought we deserved. 

It’s also very common to act this way - I certainly wouldn’t judge anyone for it. Especially when my partner has had to shoulder the burden of my fears and entitlement more than once. 

And he has always (yes really, every single time), responded to my entitlement with kindness, patience, and grace. 

But at the same time, he does it with clear boundaries. So I respect him a lot for refusing to let me be manipulative and demanding, and for staying true to his own needs and decisions as a man. 

Related: When A Man Pulls Away, Do Nothing. 6 Reasons This Works.

If you’re stuck in the mindset that you’re entitled to your suffering, that your man just has to deal with your reaction because he caused it anyway, and you’re not prepared to question your beliefs about what men should do for women in relationships, what this really means is that you are not finished with Step 1. 


You need to go back, and feel some more. 

Because I know for myself, every single time I’ve been here, it’s been because I just do not want to face the darkness and the devastation of the feelings that come up. 

Instead, I’m squirming and resisting because I’m scared that the emotions will be way too much. 

When I feel like he might leave me, he might cheat on me, that he might be losing interest, it’s easier to punish him for these emotions than to sit and feel them myself.

It’s an almost horrifying thought to be alone with all these fears, so my reflex is to punish anyone that exposes me to them. 

But as I’ve learned recently, just as we are hardwired to have these fears, we are also perfectly capable of dealing with them.

They are part of our lives, just as much as all the good, happy things are part of our lives. 

So before you run away and block these painful emotions out, give them space. 

Be brave enough to sit with them and accept them as real fears that are fundamental to being human. 

They may or may not be true, of course, as I said above. 

But they certainly are bound to surface in any relationship that means something. 

You are not too weak to do this. You will be okay. 

And in fact - this is the only way you can be okay.


Because by going to these hard places, you experience the growth that you need to bear the responsibilities of life without falling apart as soon as something goes wrong. 

Here is a helpful video from Renée On How To Be A High Value Woman: 3 Traits To Avoid:

Step #4: Address Your Insecurities 

Once you have worked through these barriers, you will be able to begin the task of understanding your man. 

It is very difficult to do this when you are flooded by fear and focused on your own pain and suffering, but once you have brought these feelings into awareness and done the work to process them at least somewhat, you will find it much easier to empathize. 

And you will be in a place where you are better able to empathize with everyone, not just with men. 

You may be asking yourself - if he’s the one pulling away from the relationship and treating me badly, why should I put in the effort to understand him? 

But those kinds of objections rarely have anything to offer us in real life, because life isn’t fair, and we cannot control other people. 

We can only control our own responses (and only some of the time at that). 

So we might as well make sure that we have all the information that we can when we make decisions, so that our decisions have the power to serve us (and the men in our lives) as best they can. 

In other words:

Is it better to deal with a relationship crisis in a way that satisfies your own feelings and instincts, without considering the other person’s experience? 

Or is it better to try to understand, especially when we’re dealing with someone different to ourselves? 

It certainly feels much easier and more natural to think of ourselves and our comfort, and to protect ourselves from the worst case scenario in our heads. 

But the hard way, the way of attunement and connection, is where all the rewards lie.  

Understanding men requires that we relinquish our rules about how men should act in a relationship, and think about what needs he is trying to meet by pulling away. 

These needs may not resonate with us as women, as we may not go through the exact same processes as men.

We may also organize our priorities differently. 

But if a man is pulling away, there is a reason for it, and it is because he is trying to meet a need that is important to him. 

That need isn’t just going to go away just because you don’t like it. 

Recommended reading: 6 Mysterious Reasons Why Guys Distance Themselves After Intimacy.

Some of the reasons men might pull away from a relationship or dating situation, or why they might seem to be pulling away, include:

Being very focused on work, or on something they perceive to be their mission in life

  • Feeling anxious or having problems with work
  • Feeling like they are failing or have made a mistake
  • Losing interest in you (but probably not if there was a lot of attraction and connection between you in the first place)
  • Feeling inadequate and unable to measure up to the demands of the relationship (eg: he’s having financial problems or worrying that you don’t trust him)

Usually, when a man pulls away from you, you will have some idea as to why.

So spend some time thinking about which reason may apply to your situation. 

And once you figure it out, spend some more time really digging deep and trying to understand how your man might actually be feeling, and what he might be focused on right now. 

This will be immensely helpful in shaping your response. 

If you’d like to gain a deeper, world class understanding of men so that you never have to lose another man (or experience needless anxiety again), we have a whole program on “Understanding Men”.

The promise of this course is for you to discover the secrets of the masculine perspective so that you can get through to any man, connect with him heart to heart, and inspire his deepest loyalty and commitment.

CLICK here to learn more about “Understanding Men”.

    Step 6: Question Your Impulse To Blame Him

    It’s easy to think that a man should never pull away from the relationship, because to you it feels like he’s treating you badly. 

    But from his perspective, perhaps your requirement that he is always available to you is unfair. 

    The fact that he feels like he can’t withdraw to focus on other things probably feels restraining to him, and in his mind, amounts to you treating him badly. 

    You and him could probably go back and forth arguing about what the connection between a man and a woman should look like in a relationship, true?

    But you wouldn’t get anywhere because you’d be coming from different places and speaking from different, sometimes opposing needs. 

    When you understand this and the arbitrary nature of having “rules” for human relationships, you will find yourself shifting away from the thing that can cause the most damage to your connection - blame. 

    Blame will never bring a man closer to you. 

    The best you will get from a man in response to blame is indifference.

    And most likely, he will feel a negative association with you because he feels misunderstood, judged, and inadequate (even though he never intended to do you wrong). 

    So, when you think about how to be high value when he pulls away, make sure you stay out of the blame game and accept that he is not deliberately trying to hurt you. 

    (Of course, there is a certain population of men who may be sociopathic, narcissistic, or just plain vengeful, but most men don’t go out to deliberately harm a woman they’re interested in.)

    Feelings of blame can often stick around even when you know that blaming is a bad idea, so it’s important to enquire deeply into the impulse to blame. 

    If you’re thinking things like:

    “Well, if he’s not going to talk to me, I’ll just ignore him and show him what it’s like,” 


    “Ha, well I’m going to go out and flirt with other guys then”


    “I’m gonna be cold and harsh with him when he comes back so I can show him he messed up” 

    Then you’re still invested in the idea that he is to blame for the way that you feel. 

    Empathizing with your man will go a long way in terms of knowing how to be high value.

    And, if he has earned trust from you in the past, then trusting him will also go a long way in dispelling your need to blame him.

    Step #7:  Be Patient And Surrender To The Lesson

    Our best, most high value responses to life situations happen when we are willing to surrender control. 

    We never have control anyway. That’s just an illusion for the most part, and we especially don’t have control over a man pulling away. 

    So what we need to do is recognize that fact, and know that even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, everything will be okay in the end. 

    We will adapt to whatever happens in time, and we will often learn some important lessons in the process. 

    There is a lot to be gained by being able to watch and wait in a relationship. 

    A situation like a man pulling away can really test your relationship in a positive way.

    It can show you how committed your man is to you, as well as the kinds of patterns he is likely to run if you continue to spend your lives together. 

    As hard as it is, if you can be grateful for the lesson and open to what it can teach you, you will only be stronger from the experience.

    Step #8: Reconnect With Him

    When your man comes back after pulling away from you, this is a key moment for your relationship. 

    We’ve talked a lot about how you don’t want to close off to him and punish him, but you can’t exactly turn around and act like nothing happened either. 

    When you reconnect, it’s actually really important that you acknowledge (to him) the emotions you felt while he was away. 

    If you’ve done the other steps I outlined, and you can make sure that you’re free from feelings of blame, it’s actually hugely beneficial to reconnect with your man in an authentic way. 

    If you need to cry, that’s okay. And if you were scared, you can tell him that. 

    Just make sure he knows that you know he didn’t have any bad intent. 

    You could say something like: 

    “I get that you really needed to take that time to catch up on your work, but I really missed you.”
    That way, you’re honoring your own emotions and you don’t have to act fake around him, but you also aren’t using those emotions to make him feel bad.  

    It will help you deepen the emotional connection and emotional attraction with him.

    And if you’re really struggling to articulate yourself in a way that honours your emotions whilst also staying high value, then there’s two specific words you can say to a man that will do the job for you:

    CLICK here to discover the one thing you can say to ANY man that will capture his attention, trigger his curiosity and make him hang onto every word you say!

    Frequently Asked Questions on How To Be High Value When He Pulls Away

    How To Be High Value Through Text When He Pulls Away?

    If you’re wondering how to be high value through text when he pulls away, the simple answer is to text in a way that builds emotional connection and emotional attraction.

    These are the two most important emotions that make a man actually perceive you and your relationship to be high value.

    When a man feels enough emotional attraction and emotional connection for you, he will feel like you are indispensable in his life.


    The way to be high value through text when he pulls away is to use the dark feminine art of high value banter.

    Put simply, this is a conversation and banter style that positions you as a high value woman whilst also challenging him and inspiring him to want to connect with you and open up to you.

    Here’s an example:

    You: “Do you know what I love about you?”
    Him: “What?”
    You: “Absolutely nothing!” [insert joking or laughing emoji here]

    Here’s a quick (similar, but not exact) example from one of our members who used this line. 

    Instead of saying “do you know what I love about you?” She said: 

    “Do you know what I love about your profile?” (unfortunately that line is cut off in the example, but you can see how the banter progressed):

    High Value Banter example

    So why does high value banter work to make you stay high value through text?

    Because it is playful. The dark feminine art of high value banter is the art of playfulness, and it is playfulness that inspires a man to fall in love, feel emotional attraction for you, and ultimately see you as high value.

    Without a sense of playfulness, you can’t build on any of the emotional attraction you had with him previously. This is why it’s the ultimate (and crucial) answer to how to be high value through text when he pulls away.

    We have a whole free class on high value banter. Click here to take the free class.

    Case study: From icebreaker to engagement in just 8 months… Discover the exact steps Yana took and the specific banter lines she used in order to attract the man of her life online and inspired him to propose after a short 8 months. (And then married within another 2 months…)

    Signs He Will Come Back After Pulling Away?

    If you’re looking for the signs he will come back after pulling away, here are the 8 main signs to look for:

    1. He left something with you (or at your house) before he disappeared
    2. He says he’ll see you soon
    3. You just know that your connection is stronger than any of life’s obstacles, and you’re sure the feeling is mutual 
    4. The universe sends you signs that you’re meant to be together - and you just know it. Here are 14 CLEAR Signs The Universe Wants You To Be With Someone.
    5. He’s made promises to you in the past and he’s always kept those promises
    6. He’s emotionally and financially invested in you
    7. You know he’s fallen in love with you and he feels emotional attraction for you
    8. You know you’re his one and only woman

    By the way, it is only if you’re a man’s one and only woman that you can have 100% total assurance that he will always come back. 

    What do I mean by the one and only woman? Let me explain.

    Men categorise the women they see into two categories. You cannot be in both categories. You’re either:

    1. The one and only woman (and he will invest everything he has in you); or
    2. You’re the ‘one of many’ woman (and he will never do more than the bare minimum to just keep you around)

    There is value in being a one of many woman. Such as, you get some attention, sex, approval or even status from a high status man.

    However, in general, you never want to be the one of many woman, especially if you’re emotionally invested in a man. You should always make sure that you’re the one and only.

    If you’re not sure how to be the one and only woman, it might be a relief to know that it’s something that can be easily learned, if you understand and apply some key insights.

    If you’re committed to discovering how to be the one and only woman (in the eyes of any man on this earth), I have something for you.

    It’s one of our most popular home study courses and it’s titled “Becoming His One And Only”. 

    (The promise of this course is for you discover the secrets of the masculine perspective so that you can get through to any man, connect with him heart to heart, and inspire his deepest loyalty and commitment.)

    CLICK here to discover more about “Becoming His One And Only”.

    How To Be High Value When He Pulls Away Is A Process

    If you follow those 8 steps for how to be high value when he pulls away, then something great will happen.

    Namely, you can expect that if a man is truly invested in you, he will return to the relationship feeling more attraction and more trust in you. 

    He will likely be invigorated by his time away from you, and come back to you with more to offer. 

    If he isn’t all that committed to you, however, he may only get back in touch when he wants something, like sex or companionship. 

    Showing your authentic emotional response to his absence is a key way to test which of these scenarios describes your relationship. 

    Here’s more on how to test a guy to see if he cares.

    A man who loves you will care that you are upset, and he will take the time to explain why he was distant and what he was doing or thinking about.

    Provided you show him that you want to understand, of course. 

    But a man who is just using you will try to avoid telling you about his life, and just hang around for as long as it serves him. 

    The steps outlined above will help you figure out the difference. 

    We hope you enjoyed this article. If you have any questions or thoughts to share, we suggest that you leave them below, and one of our team will get back to you!

    If you would like help with your personal situation or to get coaching with Sarah, CLICK HERE.

    Sarah Meyer
    Renee Shen

    Sarah Meyer

    Sarah is a Shen Wade Media Certified Coach.
    She has a Masters in psychology and works as a special education advisor in early childhood. She lives in Auckland, New Zealand, with her partner and two children. 

    She has a passion for evolutionary psychology, attachment theory, and personality psychology.

    CLICK HERE to get coaching with Sarah.

    Renée Shen

    Author & Editor For National Council for Research on Women. Founder of the popular women's dating & relationship advice website, The Feminine Woman and co-founder of NCRW.

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