Author: Sarah Meyer
An avoidant man can be very attractive to women on the surface.
He can seem purposeful, driven, and relatively unimpressed by the things that other men trip over themselves to acquire- like you, perhaps.
This may very well be true, as men generally will not commit until they feel they have met the right woman.
Because of his somewhat withdrawn nature, an avoidant man may have met fewer women than his peers, meaning that he has had less opportunity to find and bond with a woman whom he could commit to.
But more often than not, an avoidant man is running patterns that indirectly circumvent the process of emotional connection and falling in love- patterns that keep him safe from the risks of attachment.
This means that it is far harder to form a deep, lasting bond with him, even if you are the “right woman”.
So what is a girl to do then, if she loves an avoidant and wishes for him to come forward and ‘claim’ her?
First, you might be curious to know that there is one specific emotional trigger in any man (yes, even some avoidants) that can make him want to commit to you and only you.
This is arguably the most important emotional trigger to ignite inside of your avoidant man:
Besides this one specific emotional trigger, there are 7 things you can do to make him want you, crave you and chase you.
Before we teach you 7 high value ways on how to get an avoidant to chase you, let’s briefly ensure we understand exactly what the avoidant man is going through day-to-day, and why.
An avoidant man may be unconsciously acting out his difficult relationship with his primary caregiver as a child, where he learned to trust independence and self-sufficiency above anything else.
Usually because of neglect and abuse, an avoidantly attached child learns that his needs are irritating, shameful, and should be taken care of in private.
He may also miss out on the opportunity to learn key skills that help us form and maintain close relationships as adults, including skills related to:
In adulthood, this can lead to discomfort with emotional intimacy, as well as with commitment and obligation.
Before we get too deep into psychoanalysis, though, it is also possible that an avoidant man has experienced a more recent betrayal, by a previous wife or girlfriend, and has become disillusioned, angry and disconnected from women as a result.
We also have to consider that he may not actually be avoidant in a true sense- he may just not be interested in you, or want to form an emotional connection with you.
And if this were the case, then we have to admit that yes, this unfortunately does mean that he wouldn’t be more “emotionally available” with a different woman.
Given all that, it’s important to consider how much you love this man, and how much you really value your connection (or perceived connection) with the avoidant man in your life.
Relationships with avoidants can be difficult, painful, and may do long-term damage to your own attachment patterns and your trust in relationships.
However, if you simply feel unwilling or unable to walk away right now, or you are truly committed to what you have with this man despite these obstacles, there are strategies you can use to bring an avoidant man close to you.
Let’s talk about how to get an avoidant man to chase you, with 7 high value tips.
It’s common for dating websites and coaches to use the language of “chasing” or “pursuit” to describe how a man might act in the early stages of a relationship.
Having a man chase you is generally seen as a desirable thing, because this signifies that he really values you.
However, if you want a quality relationship with a man at any point down the track, you have to be prepared to question the things that feel good on the surface.
More specifically, you have to question what it actually means to have a man chase you.
Does it mean that he is going to be there for you in the long-term?
Does it mean that he is going to care enough to try to make your life better?
Or does it just mean that he really wants something from you- whether that’s sex, validation, company, or some combination of those things?
When we’re talking about an avoidant man in particular, someone who may have trouble with emotional intimacy, it’s likely that his intent is not necessarily just to connect.
Not only that, but there’s another important question we must answer…
We also need to think about what it does to you to try to get an avoidant man to chase you.
How does that make you show up in the interactions you have with him?
Does it encourage you to build a strong emotional connection with him, based on openness and vulnerability?
Or does it make you want to withhold yourself by trying to be the “perfect catch”; the “dream girl” he’s been looking for all his life?
I believe when you think about how to get an avoidant man to chase you, or any other man for that matter, what you really want is for him to fall in love with you.
You can get an avoidant man to chase you for reasons other than the fact that he's in love with you, perhaps far more easily, but the only way to have him chase you and actually stick around once he’s “caught” you, is if he’s in love.
So perhaps rather than thinking about getting a man to chase you, you may want to think about what it would take to make him actually fall in love and make you his ‘one and only’ woman.
If you want to learn 5 seminine secrets that make a man fall in love with you and WANT to make you his one and only woman, I recommend you take a look at our program “Becoming His One And Only” to learn the 5 feminine secrets to have your chosen man fall in love with you & beg you to be his one & only by embodying these 5 feminine secrets (even if he’s been distant, avoidant, or losing interest).
Avoidants are often scared off by perceived threats to their space or autonomy.
These perceived threats are not necessarily things that would bother securely attached people in a relationship or dating situation- they can be relatively ordinary things that we do to indicate our interest or affection for someone.
For example, an avoidant man may be uncomfortable if you try to come into or spend time in his home, sometimes even if you’re only there for sex.
Or, he may feel that in trying to get to know him and asking questions about him, you’re looking for information that you can use against him later.
You can’t anticipate all of the fears that an avoidant man might have, and you shouldn’t expect to.
Trying to do so will only stifle the connection between the two of you, making you feel like you’re walking on eggshells.
Instead, what you want to do is make sure he has enough space to feel like he is in control, and can take a breather when he needs to.
This is not to be confused with playing hard to get or leaning back. It really only means that you need to pay attention to him and be responsive to his cues by:
To learn more about his fears and understand him, you can read this article on the differences between fearful avoidants and dismissive avoidants (& FAQ).
An avoidant man tends to hold the (subconscious) belief that his needs and emotions are shameful and should be hidden from others.
This can mean that he has trouble opening up and revealing his true self in any circumstances, especially in a romantic relationship.
He may not be aware of this, but rather experiences a disconnect from the parts of himself that he has decided are not safe or acceptable.
An avoidant man may also not have any real, close friends, despite having a group of acquaintances or friends that he does things with.
In order to form an unbreakable bond with a man who struggles with these things, you will need to make him feel safe.
That means that you may want to take the lead in establishing an open, non-judgmental relationship with him, so that he can experience a level of comfort with you that he may never have known before.
How you do this will be unique to you and your man, but some general pointers include:
Case study: Discover how the introverted Alena got her man to ask her out almost instantly and for the very first time in her life, she started attracting highly esteemed men & making real progress in overcoming her own anxious attachment patterns... All by using this dark feminine art of banter.
We are all afraid of both romantic and personal rejection on some level.
We are also all afraid of being misunderstood or judged as deficient, or as not being enough.
This next point may be less talked about, but we can also all relate to the fear of over-committing ourselves and running out of resources in a relationship, particularly if that means we have to deal with the shame and failure of breaking our promises.
An avoidant man, like anyone else and perhaps more so, will be dealing with these fears as he approaches emotional intimacy with you.
When you think about how to get an avoidant to chase you, you need to figure out how to work with these fears.
A man who is afraid that you are going to take from him is not going to want to get close to you, and he isn’t going to invest much in you.
And an avoidant man, who has grown up experiencing low fulfillment from social connection and potentially high cost- for example, he may have been forced into a situation where he had to take responsibility for others from a young age-likely experiences this kind of fear in a particularly deep way.
Similarly, a man who does not perceive value in what you have to offer him, is not going to feel compelled to give value back to you.
And an avoidant man may be especially unlikely to perceive value in the things that many women instinctively offer up in the early stages of a relationship, thinking that this is what the man wants from her.
These things include:
Perhaps surprisingly, these kinds of conversations actually drive avoidants away, because they tend to feel uncomfortable and confused when it comes to emotions, and because they may feel trapped and burdened by relationship demands more readily than other men.
This is tough to hear, because sometimes, that really is what we feel compelled to do for men- to help them open up more, to make them more like us.
We think this is helping them. But instead, what we need to do in order to bring an avoidant man closer, is to be aware of these fears that he has, and accept them.
Accept that they exist, that they do not threaten us, that their existence is simply the result of biology and history.
Even when he doesn’t accept them, or can’t talk about them. And as we accept these fears, we need to know that we are not limited by them.
Because while an avoidant man will often go into a relationship with these fears, you as a woman actually have the power to help him move through and past them, and into a space of trust.
And the best way to do this is to accept him the way he is- not to the point that we abandon or ignore our own needs, but to the point where we do not blame him for being afraid.
An avoidant man may experience high levels of anxiety around emotional intimacy.
Time, acceptance, and understanding will help with this, and taking things slowly will help remove the pressure that a man with this kind of background could be feeling.
It is also important, however, that you don’t just sit back and allow an avoidant man to set his own level of comfort and connection with you.
This may seem like contradictory advice. But, left to his own devices, an avoidant man will be likely to settle for a level of distance and disconnection that may be ultimately unfulfilling for him, let alone for you as a woman.
With this in mind, you will need to do the work of teaching him to connect with you, even as you do your best to honor and understand the fears and barriers he has to emotional intimacy.
The easiest way to do this is to encourage and celebrate him when he makes a tiny step towards greater openness and connection with you.
Tell him how happy he has made you. Explain what you love about what he just did.
This will help him feel successful with you, which will encourage him to take more risks with you and be more open to trying new things. Some other ways to teach him to connect include:
These last items, which relate to his areas of competence or interest, may be where he feels most comfortable connecting.
Case study: From icebreaker to engagement in just 8 months… Discover the exact steps Yana took and the specific banter lines she used in order to attract the man of her life online and inspired him to propose after a short 8 months. (And then married within another 2 months…)
We all have our rules for how we think we should act in a relationship.
Maybe we believe that if a man is really interested, he’ll pay to take us out on dates.
Or maybe, we think that if a man hasn’t texted us or responded to us, that we should just ignore him and move on.
While some of these rules do serve a purpose, mainly in helping us preserve our certainty and our dignity, there are also times and situations where we have to be willing to break them in favor of actions that better serve us and our man.
And with an avoidant man, this is especially likely to be true, as he may withdraw or stop communicating for reasons other than disinterest.
Some of those reasons might be:
So long as you’re coming from a place of genuinely caring about your man and wanting to make his life better, it is okay to reach out to him, to show that you care about him and what’s going on for him, and break your “rules” about reciprocal contact.
Even if it does turn out that he isn’t that into you, he will probably still appreciate that you thought of him.
Sometimes (at the early stages), romantic rejection is easier to take when you know that your intent was simply to care.
It isn’t easy trying to establish a genuine connection with an avoidant man, even though it may be easy to get him to chase you in a superficial way.
But the key for the most part is applying the same things that guide us with other men:
Femininity and feminine energy is especially important in a relationship with an avoidant man, as your feminine energy is one surefire thing that will soften his walls and break through his barriers.
Would you like to find out how feminine you are day-to-day? You’re in luck because we have a specially crafted quiz that will help you find out for sure.
When learning how to make an avoidant chase you, it is important to remember that a lot of the work comes down to reducing his fears.
This includes melting away his barriers to connection through your own feminine energy and warmth.
It can be helpful to know that an avoidant man experiences heightened fear in the usual areas that men may have fear.
But ultimately, an avoidant man who is emotionally healthy enough to form an emotional connection with a woman and fall in love will do so if he feels compelled to.
If you would like to learn more about what makes a man fall in love, read this incredibly helpful and popular article by D. Shen on The Two Traits Of Women That Men Routinely Fall In Love With.
Sarah has a Masters in psychology and works as a special education advisor in early childhood. She lives in Auckland, New Zealand, with her partner and two children. She has a passion for evolutionary psychology, attachment theory, and personality psychology.
Author & Editor For National Council for Research on Women. Founder of the popular women's dating & relationship advice website, The Feminine Woman.
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